The truth is that I wanted to grow up to be someone else. I had better plans for myself than what these past few years have turned up. And now I feel like I can't even think to make any more plans, get my heart set on anything else, because I can't deal with another disappointment. Like I am so paralyzed by fear and a broken heart that I can't even take a step forward. Everything hurts now, every word has some connection to something I dreamed about that never materialized and it is too damn painful to let my thoughts go there. I've become so guarded with everything, I've strung all of these safety nets and put up all of these walls and I never thought I would be this girl. I thought I was stronger. And I keep looking for you in all of this. It's so strange, I know, but I have these hard days and it seems so unnatural for me not to be telling you all of this... my heart doesn't understand why you're not there for me and why you don't care that everything has been dark for me lately. And this isn't who I am. I'm orange and yellow and happy and I live and breathe in sunlight. And why don't you care? Because you should care. Someone should care that I am drowning and flailing and that I can't figure anything out. I feel like I can't be eloquent anymore. I wish I wasn't like this, that I didn't feel everything so deeply and live so manically. I just can't breathe lately and everything feels worse than it's ever been before.

Each year, the Edge Foundation (www.edge.org) poses one question to elite scientists and leading intellectuals from around the world. This year it asked "What do you believe is true even though you cannot prove it?"

David Buss, psychologist, University of Texas, Austin; author of The Evolution of DesireTrue love.

I've spent two decades of my professional life studying human mating. In that time, I've documented phenomena ranging from what men and women desire in a mate to the most diabolical forms of sexual treachery. I've discovered the astonishingly creative ways in which men and women deceive and manipulate each other. I've studied mate poachers, obsessed stalkers, sexual predators, and spouse murderers. But throughout this exploration of the dark dimensions of human mating, I've remained unwavering in my belief in true love.While love is common, true love is rare, and I believe that few people are fortunate enough to experience it. The roads of regular love are well traveled and their markers are well understood by many—the mesmerizing attraction, the ideational obsession, the sexual afterglow, profound self-sacrifice, and the desire to combine DNA. But true love takes its own course through uncharted territory. It knows no fences, has no barriers or boundaries. It's difficult to define, eludes modern measurement, and seems scientifically wooly. But I know true love exists. I just can't prove it.

I've felt so strange lately. I had this moment in my car the other day while I was driving home from work where I realized how badly I wanted something and tapped into this emotion I've been ignoring for years... it was quite staggering. I've felt very delicate I guess. I've spent the better part of the past three years feeling like my heart has been dragged through the dirt by the wanting of something and then not getting it, and I don't feel strong enough to go through that again so soon. It is completely overwhelming. And I don't want to feel this way. I just want to stand in the ocean without anyone around, especially people with all of their histories. I want to go somewhere I can be anonymous, somewhere without ghosts... I guess what I am saying is that tonight, all today and last week really, I've felt very sad and alone. Like the only people I can relate to are Ondaatje and Neruda. I'm sure this will pass soon, but it would just be nice to feel like I had some more stability in my life.