Every so often a girls is allowed to be pathetic

I spend the day in this home and it seems perfect. Husband and wife who are smart, attractive, love each other, buy all organic food, have a beautiful house and two even more beautiful children. I carry a baby girl around in my arms all day and when I come home I smell like the good smells of a baby. Driving home I listen to The Last 5 Years soundtrack "If I didn't believe in you I wouldn't be standing here now", then curled up on the couch with a bowl of cereal watching Sex & the City and Carrie is in love and Miranda has a baby... it gets to me! Not that I want any of it now, or soon even, but I do want it eventually.

I have this picture in my mind of how it would all be. He would be very, very smart and extremely literate. We would quote poetry together and read the same books. When I get confused and overwhelmed (which is often) he would stay calm and clear-headed and fix the situation. He would have to have some sort of artistic endeavor, career or hobby, so that we could understand each other. Most importantly he would have to vow to be best father he can be, and together we would adopt children who need parents and raise them to be wonderful human beings who are kind and compassionate and strong. And I would write and make movies and he would do whatever it is he's passionate about and we would live this happy, chaotic yet gentle life together. And of course it wouldn't be without sadness and pain and tribulation but in the end I am convinced that my life, for the most part, will be happy and fulfilling.

I can dream about these things as I sit here in my bedroom with the snow falling outside my window and my life unfolding in a way that I didn't expect... reclaiming my heart from broken dreams and the person who is the love of my thus far life (who I know will not be THE love of my life). I can dream about these things just like I dream about my writing, and my traveling, and the move to California that will take place a year from summer, and the herb garden I will plant this spring, and the photos I will shoot this weekend. Things I want so badly, and things that can happen, but I am no longer naive about dreams. I don't buy into that mentality that my work ethic can make these things happen. Obviously it helps, but I also need a little bit (or a lot) of Divine Intervention.

I swear that these feelings are out and will be tucked away for a good while now. I'm content, for now, with my youth and my freedom.

Bon Soir!
K

PS: I am aware that I switched tenses about twice a sentance... that is just how my mind works.

Something is happening to my voice! I have an audition in 2 weeks so I've been working on this song and I just can't sing it. Like, halfway through my voice just goes out. I'm afraid I damaged my vocal chords during I'll be Home for Christmas.

I've felt completely irritated and restless lately. Especially, and I know how shallow this sounds, in regards to my hair. I'm very vain about my hair. I was so proud of my long, blonde, wavy hair and then this fall for some insane reason I decided to cut it and dye it brown and I am so embarrassed to admit the effect it's had it on me. I'm stuck now between cutting it all off and going very blonde or letting it grow out and going dark, dark brown. My indecisiveness is the only reason I still look like I do. I'm aware of how awful this sounds, but I don't care... having great hair was always something I could count on.

To balance out how terrible that paragraph made me sound I feel like I need to talk about my intellectual pursuits. For Christmas I was given What is the What by Dave Eggers and Atonement by Ian McEwan. I'm part way through Atonement and while it is a wonderful book I can't agree with the back-cover claim that "no one now writing fiction in the English language surpasses Ian McEwan". Michael Ondaatje, Dave Eggers, Jonathan Safran Foer. Those men are brilliant in a way that makes me feel like it would be useless to write another world- nothing I write could come close to what they do. However, being as writing is really the only thing I can do I will try anyway. I don't set Resolutions, but I do have a goal of landing a literary agent within the year, which made me set another goal of finishing the current script I'm working on by Easter (I tend to divide my life by Holidays- it makes more sense to my mind).

I woke up this morning to snow and on account of the schools being closed and my lack of faith that my little bmw could safely get to me to Bainbridge I took the day off. I spent the entire day in my worn out "I Don't Do Mornings" shirt and sooo comfy AE sweats. I'm almost done with Atonement and, although above opinions still stand, I like it more and more. I also got through the pile of December/January magazines I haven't had a chance to read yet and finally cleaned my room.

Now I'm going to put on Hendrix and read Atonement in my warm bed (electric blankets are the best invention) until I fall asleep. Beunos Noches!

K

I heard she was asking questions
About the picture of us together at the home game
It ran in your local paper and you were smiling like she had never seen
You said “What do you mean?
I was thinking of you the whole time, I swear
You were the only girl on my mind”
So you had to tell her all the bad things about me

You told her I was younger
You told her I was rash
You told her I didn’t know what I wanted, ever.
Like that was something bad.
Yeah I heard what you said.
You forgot to mention the fact that I
Never wished for you to be in my life
And yes, that is a fact.

to whom it may concern

How long are you allowed to keep on loving someone, years after you last really spoke? It is a tough way that I feel. I don't care anything about rumors (and oh I hear them. I hear them all the time) because nothing is true or everything is true. Someone told someone told someone who told me. I hate it. Or, try grieving by yourself, not really having anyone to talk about it all with, for two years. I can't believe it's been two years. Having this weird feeling you sort of had to add some validation to your grief. I could always tell him that I loved him, and he always answered when I called. I know that if he was still here... Anyway. It's not that I miss people in my life, I have no lack of people who I love more and who love me more, it's just the people who you love when you're 16,17,18... before all of that crap happens that jades and hardens you, that teenage love for your friends is intense and consuming and the memory of it hangs on for years.

Anyway, there are people who I pray for all of the time and I know that it wouldn't mean anything to them... but I do anyway. "God please don't let this person die today. Please protect him today." I hate drugs. And I hate that sense of the poor troubled depressed misunderstood artist. Every 20-something living in Kitsap feels troubled and depressed and misunderstood and it is not special or unique and it doesn't give you an excuse to turn to drugs. I would never tell someone how to live their life as it pertained to music or clothes or career or sexuality but chemical drugs are a vile, vile thing, which is a point I could never concede on. And maybe there is a consensus that because I've grown up in a stable household with good men and women all around me I don't know what it's like to be in the depths... I know what it is like to not understand how you are going to live through the next day. I've fallen asleep and not wanted to wake up. I’ve felt like my heart hurt so much and everything was so blurry there was no possible way I would ever be okay. My deficit is on the inside, but it is there none the less. I don't even know why I'm writing this here. I feel like I am not allowed to call someone and say that I love them and I hate to contribute to the sensationalism... I just want to leave some fingerprints somewhere that I love and respect certain people and I don't know how to act in this situation, but my heart feels very involved. Once I start loving people it is very hard for me to stop just because we all have new friends.

Like I said, I care nothing for rumors and I don't want to add to the sensationalism that these things turn into, I don't even know details, nor do I care to know them, I just want to put it out there that I care and that I've been caring for some time now, that I've been praying for you these past few years every time I talk to God. You and you and you. And every time I hear something it hurts my heart a little bit.

I meant for this blogspot to be light hearted, but chemical drugs are an evil and prevailing presence in my life right now and I felt this was a place I could address it.

Love,
K

Who says we don't have any friends?

We got the message that no-one else was dressing up in time to stop another Romy&Michelle type of situation (story of our lives!), drove around Tacoma for an hour trying to find the place, found it, took pictures with Marilyn and Elvis, got completely bummed out on the lame party, went dancing & hung out at Rob's house. In a few hours we're going to another party. I love my best friend for so many reasons; her sense of humor, her unyielding loyalty, her huge heart and her love of MTV reality shows. All so important. Melis and I can have a conversation and go from completely shallow to intensely deep and back again. And we laugh all the time.

Watch This: http://youtube.com/watch?v=P7BvLVLVY8g

I have a small part in his next video and I trust it is going to be hysterical.

Amor amor amor

K

On Costume, Christmas and Ex-Boyfriends.

There are so many reasons why I love this time of year, and one of the more superfluous is all of the great parties. Last weekend Melis, Anthony & I went to the first of the season, Friday I'm going to Melisa's company Christmas party with her. The theme is "Era's"- you can choose any era and theme it up. Melisa is going 80's:

I can't decide between British Mod 60's:

and American "Summer of Love" 60's hippie:Char thought I should go 1500's...

Hahaha! I know no one funnier than my sister.

Saturday we might go to Bri's Christmas Sweater party. I don't really have any Christmas sweaters, but I was thinking a big bow taped to one of my normal sweaters would suffice. Next weekend at my home my family is having a "Good Old Fashioned Piano Christmas Carolling" party. Then, THEN, is New Years. I'm not sure what we're doing except I know that whatever it is will involve a dress with sequins on it and a lot of dancing and toasting to the New Year.

Not so superfluously, Christmas is the most wonderful day of the year.

And in despair I bowed my head
“There is no peace on earth,” I said,
“For hate is strong and mocks the song
Of peace on earth, good will to men.”
Then pealed the bells more loud and deep:
“God is not dead, nor doth He sleep;
The wrong shall fail, the right prevail
With peace on earth, good will to men.”

I think about that all the time lately. While I enjoy so much the parties and the shopping for people you love and all of that, I have never had trouble remembering the whole point of all of it. The love and the beauty and the tenderness of Jesus that, without any doubt, sustains and saves me daily. Christmas Cards came out beautifully! I did 5 original watercolor and inks that will go to very special people and the rest will get limited copies, I'm only making 3 of each. Hopefully I'll get some scans up soon.

There is this interesting phenomenon that happens across the board with all girls I know: Ex-Boyfriend Week! Like, one contacts you and then you hear something about another one and then you run into yet another and it all happens in the space of a week. I hate it. You finally start feeling like your heart is your own again and then you realize that maybe someone still has a little piece of it (at least with one, the others are just kind of awkward and annoying). I don't understand how all of that time of making yourself okay and "getting over" disappear so quickly. Anyway, this has all gone on too long. I only meant to talk about costumes. I think I'm leaning towards the Mod look, I'd get to wear my favorite boots!

amor,

All you need is

Breathing. The past month has been good for my soul. I have a job that I love and comes quite naturally to me. I've been on stage a lot. I've spent time with my family and best friends. I've danced a lot. As a result I've been incredibly inspired and creativity has been pouring out of me. I wrote a poem for my Mom that I'm going to incorporate into her Christmas present in some artistic way. Today I'm baking biscotti and painting some Christmas cards and I need to come up with some kind of era comstume for a Christmas party on Saturday. Since the past week has been rehearsals and performances I haven't had that time that has become so important to me to read a little Sherlock and cook up something nice for my family and then b r e a t h e.

Pictures now, because I am not feeling particuarly smart or funny today. I have never been good with endings, and Sunday was the last performance. So we'll start with some photos from the play this weekend:

Jonathan & I, we took these for his Mom.

Backstage Artistry.

Baby

I love this, my two favorite people in the Universe.

Jack & I a few months ago.

My absolute favorite picture of 2007, me and my two best friends.

At the Ocean.

Love, love, love.

K