http://youtube.com/watch?v=89L86yWdWkg

Blood never forgets but who protects the memories when we bleed each other from the vein

I wish that men could be better men. I wish that, as a gender, they would all just put a little more effort into being better people, into treating women with more kindness and respect. Be better friends, better dads, better boyfriends, husbands, lovers, uncles, brothers etc. Of all of my girlfriends I only know one who doesn't have issues because of her father. I don't think men realize how much they can screw up their daughters. Or how much it could make their daughter's day if they just listened to them and at least acted interested in what they had to say or even better, they initiate the conversation on their own. Just saying "Hi. How was your day?" every evening and then listening to their answer and the shrink business would be cut in half. Fathers leave, or they abuse, they yell, they don't protect, they don't provide, they provide but they don't listen, they love but they don't like. They are experts, licensed to tell other people how to work out their relationships but they never say a word about the girl in their own home whose heart breaks every time she tries to tell him something about herself and he brushes her off for the television, for work, for someone else.

I wish that men understood how difficult it is to be a female. How it feels to be constantly and publicly critiqued for the way we look and act. How it feels to walk down a street and have men yell obscene things, look you up and down, follow you, touch you. I wish that the men who don't do these things could understand that these kinds of things do happen every day to women. And I don't just mean every day to some woman somewhere, I mean to each and every woman, every day they walk outside. I wish men had more respect for the fact that our gender has more crime against us than any other minority in America and that leaves us feeling scared and defensive.

I am a strong female. I have lived, traveled and worked by myself. I can, and do, stand up for myself and for others. But I can't be okay in certain areas of my life because of certain men's actions. Girls are petty, and we hurt each other and we hurt others, but none of my girlfriends have ever been hurt so much and so deeply by each other than they have by men in their lives. Some of the women closest to my heart are absolutely crippled by that pain.

I know many good men, let me say that clearly, but they are few and far in-between. And you can just tell that they are good, that they are compassionate and kind and honest and protective. They've been family, friends... I've even dated some. And when things don't work out with them you get that sinking feeling in your chest and your head hurts and you can't breathe for a few seconds and sometimes you cry that very quiet, watery, painful cry because you know that one of the few truly good men in your life has left.

I wish I could say this all a little more eloquently. And it is nothing new... I just wish that men would step it up a little bit and take some more responsibility, or even give a little more recognition to my gender and their effect on us. I wish I wish I wish.

K

Only to say...

Adventures are surely afoot.

:)

Charity-- by Me

I really love taking photos.

K

Should I do this to my hair? I need hair guidance.

K

life of the party and she swears that she's artsy

Today I made a perfect brioche! I realize that I am overly excited about a loaf of bread, but it's absolutely perfect. When I lived in Seattle there was this great little French bakery about 3 blocks from my apartment that Darrin and I used to go to all the time, they had the most amazing chocolate almond brioche. Today I attempted only the basic brioche, and I had my doubts along the way, but it came out so beautifully! The crust is hard and sweet and golden-brown and the inside is light and springy and only slightly sweet. I think that only Darrin will get as excited as I am, but that's why he's my soul mate.

I shot a couple rolls of Char today. I'm excited to get them back. They're really great photos, very pretty of her (not that she could be anything else) and very artistic. I'm trying to get some sort of portfolio together so maybe I can book a couple jobs. And anyway, I love photography.

I've been listening to a lot of John Mayer's not so popular stuff lately. I think that anyone who wrote him off after hearing "Your Body is a Wonderland" should listen to Comfortable, Lenny/Man on the Side and all JMtrio songs. I've also been listening to Brandon Heath a lot. Despite the complete sham that Young Life is, Brandon Heath was one good thing to come out of it all. Early Stuff is a really great album.

I watched Waitress this weekend, it is one of the best movies I've seen in forever. It is completely quirky and funny and sad and hopeful and witty in all of the right places and ways. It is so tragic that Adrienne Shelly died, and especially in such a horrendous way. The movie is lovely though. I wish I was making movies right now.

Amor,
K

Every so often a girls is allowed to be pathetic

I spend the day in this home and it seems perfect. Husband and wife who are smart, attractive, love each other, buy all organic food, have a beautiful house and two even more beautiful children. I carry a baby girl around in my arms all day and when I come home I smell like the good smells of a baby. Driving home I listen to The Last 5 Years soundtrack "If I didn't believe in you I wouldn't be standing here now", then curled up on the couch with a bowl of cereal watching Sex & the City and Carrie is in love and Miranda has a baby... it gets to me! Not that I want any of it now, or soon even, but I do want it eventually.

I have this picture in my mind of how it would all be. He would be very, very smart and extremely literate. We would quote poetry together and read the same books. When I get confused and overwhelmed (which is often) he would stay calm and clear-headed and fix the situation. He would have to have some sort of artistic endeavor, career or hobby, so that we could understand each other. Most importantly he would have to vow to be best father he can be, and together we would adopt children who need parents and raise them to be wonderful human beings who are kind and compassionate and strong. And I would write and make movies and he would do whatever it is he's passionate about and we would live this happy, chaotic yet gentle life together. And of course it wouldn't be without sadness and pain and tribulation but in the end I am convinced that my life, for the most part, will be happy and fulfilling.

I can dream about these things as I sit here in my bedroom with the snow falling outside my window and my life unfolding in a way that I didn't expect... reclaiming my heart from broken dreams and the person who is the love of my thus far life (who I know will not be THE love of my life). I can dream about these things just like I dream about my writing, and my traveling, and the move to California that will take place a year from summer, and the herb garden I will plant this spring, and the photos I will shoot this weekend. Things I want so badly, and things that can happen, but I am no longer naive about dreams. I don't buy into that mentality that my work ethic can make these things happen. Obviously it helps, but I also need a little bit (or a lot) of Divine Intervention.

I swear that these feelings are out and will be tucked away for a good while now. I'm content, for now, with my youth and my freedom.

Bon Soir!
K

PS: I am aware that I switched tenses about twice a sentance... that is just how my mind works.