I wear my heart on my sleeve and can hardly keep anything to myself, everyone in my life knows that. I'm like a radio, constantly broadcasting how I feel about everything and always, always communicating. So it's funny to read back on this blog, because I was feeling so much while keeping up with it, and I'm really so much more mellow now. I'm moving to Hawaii on Tuesday. I am really, actually and finally over him. I'm 100% single. I'm surrounded by wonderful people, and always busy, never bored. Basically, my life is really really good and I'm an incredibly lucky girl. I have this huge adventure that begins next week, and I'm so excited and good-kind-of-scared and ready for it. I'm blogging over at KatieinKona.blogspot.com, and it reads more adventure and less heart broken girl keeping public diary. Check it.

It's like love lite, it's the substitute for the real thing. It never tastes as good, and in the long run it will give you cancer, but it will do when you have a craving and the real thing is too risky. Tonight I'm not giving in, because I get there and I'm with him but I'm not really there, because he's nowhere near good enough. I'd rather take the night in, the bit of loneliness, than have the fake version. It just doesn't really do it for me anymore.

I am constantly knocking on wood, lately. Everything in front of me looks beautiful at this point, everything involving who I am is cool. Great family, friends and perfect doggy. I am so lucky, so happy, so in love with my life and excited about where I'm going... it seems so perfect some days I'm afraid I'll jinx it. But I think I'm finally due some happiness, and the best part is that the happiness isn't because of a someone. I'm just good now.

Can't sleep! I'm turning all of this stuff over in my mind, I've been ansty lately like you wouldn't believe, just all over the place. I feel like too many people are staking claim of me and pulling me in all sorts of directions, and then I can't wait to leave. I'm an easy scare, a flight risk when it comes to too much closeness. I know I know, and I'm working on it. I recognize that these days, at least the times when I'm not working, are golden. And I am working all the time now, it's exhausting, but the evenings are with a group of people I have loved for a very long time, and we all recognize how fleeting it is for us all to be in the same place at the same time. Everything feels fleeting lately, it's part of the magic of summer. I should be asleep now, I'm so tired, but every time I try to sleep I'm wide awake and once I start thinking about something too intense I'm done for. Last night I fell asleep with an old best friend on the phone- it was so comforting. Him and I were always doing that when we were younger, hours on the phone into the night, and randomly it happened again last night. We have this connection I can't explain, we're so similar and like I said, it's comforting. Maybe I can find my way into sleep now, my room is the perfect temp and I've had a glass of wine, I'm going to put a movie on and maybe pick up the phone again. It sounds like perfection.

Au Revoir

I'm gonna steer clear, burn up in your atmosphere

I've put the Big Emotional Writing Project on hold, let the interested party know it's incomplete and probably going to stay that way for a bit. I just can't finish it and have it be mediocre, and lately I'm not interested in turning up all of the emotional stuff that goes along with it, that the piece deserves. I've been close enough to the tortured artist and I know it's no way to live, so as long as my days are so full of sunshine I'll leave them that way. I'll finish it someday, when I find myself in a place where I feel I can tackle it all without compromising myself.

The past year, especially the past 6 or 7 months, have been the most progressive of my life. I've learned a lot about the world and even more about myself, about how I relate to the world. Every time I think about the future I get butterflies in my stomach, I really think that some amazing things are on the horizon. Adventure and growth and love and peace. I think I'm kind of doing this thing though, maybe pushing people away right now so it will be easier to leave. I have a genuine affection for this town and the people in, and in the summer there is nowhere more beautiful than the Pacific Northwest. Some days I want to want the suburban life so many of friends are happy with- the whole get a job get married be domestic thing- but I've always known convention wasn't for me. I don't know, maybe I'll surprise myself somewhere down the road, and that will be fine and all, but in the meantime I just want to travel to beautiful places and meet beautiful souls.

Except it's cool now, because finally I've gotten to a point where I'm okay with everything that happened. Not that I think either one of us really handled everything right, but I've been thinking about forgiveness lately, and I realized that I need to forgive you. It's funny because I didn't realize how angry I was with you, it was all so tied into how in love with you I was for so long, I couldn't separate it. But then I look at it starkly, and I see how we were happy, how you hurt me, and how I reacted poorly, and how you reacted poorly, and so on, and when I finally unwrap all of those arguments and late night phone calls and other stupid communications and I felt for so long after, I get it. I'm really angry with what you did, and it really hurt me and I allowed it to become an avalanche in my life. But anyway, I do forgive you. I've found that forgiveness is a continuous process when it comes to matters of the heart, so I expect I'll be forgiving you a lot in the future.

But like I said, it's cool now. I'm pretty happy right now, and it feels less manic than it has in the past. And my freedom... oh my gosh I can't even explain. I'm breathing fresh air, all the time. My plans for the next few years? Go to Hawaii for a bit, maybe go to Australia for a bit more, then start a career that involves me being on the road, in a different city every week.

Relationships are toxic to me, they get too intense and all of a sudden I'm either so in love it's all I can understand and I don't recognize anything else (once) or I'm fully in the moment with someone and gone the next, gasping for air and pushing them away. And neither are particularly healthy. It's been a few months now that I've been really, legitimately solo, and it's nice. I'm not so heartbroken anymore, after all. I'm certainly not pining for anyone, and I have no obligations to anyone other than myself. Plus, I think I have some figuring out to do with my soul, I feel caught between two worlds lately, and I'm finding I can't fully commit to either, and I'd hate to have this decision influenced by someone else. So yeah, it's good now. I'm good.

Everything feels good and happy lately. I've been travelling a lot, and there is more in my future. I just got back from New Orleans, I'll be in Idaho this weekend, there's a possible quick trip to San Diego and Tj in a few weeks, a couple CA roadtrips this summer, then I head to Hawaii semi-permanently in September. Everything in my feels the best it ever has, and I feel like there are really amazing things on the horizon. It's good.