Except it's cool now, because finally I've gotten to a point where I'm okay with everything that happened. Not that I think either one of us really handled everything right, but I've been thinking about forgiveness lately, and I realized that I need to forgive you. It's funny because I didn't realize how angry I was with you, it was all so tied into how in love with you I was for so long, I couldn't separate it. But then I look at it starkly, and I see how we were happy, how you hurt me, and how I reacted poorly, and how you reacted poorly, and so on, and when I finally unwrap all of those arguments and late night phone calls and other stupid communications and I felt for so long after, I get it. I'm really angry with what you did, and it really hurt me and I allowed it to become an avalanche in my life. But anyway, I do forgive you. I've found that forgiveness is a continuous process when it comes to matters of the heart, so I expect I'll be forgiving you a lot in the future.

But like I said, it's cool now. I'm pretty happy right now, and it feels less manic than it has in the past. And my freedom... oh my gosh I can't even explain. I'm breathing fresh air, all the time. My plans for the next few years? Go to Hawaii for a bit, maybe go to Australia for a bit more, then start a career that involves me being on the road, in a different city every week.

Relationships are toxic to me, they get too intense and all of a sudden I'm either so in love it's all I can understand and I don't recognize anything else (once) or I'm fully in the moment with someone and gone the next, gasping for air and pushing them away. And neither are particularly healthy. It's been a few months now that I've been really, legitimately solo, and it's nice. I'm not so heartbroken anymore, after all. I'm certainly not pining for anyone, and I have no obligations to anyone other than myself. Plus, I think I have some figuring out to do with my soul, I feel caught between two worlds lately, and I'm finding I can't fully commit to either, and I'd hate to have this decision influenced by someone else. So yeah, it's good now. I'm good.