The love of my life came not
As love unto others is cast;
For mine was a secret wound --
But the wound grew a pearl, at last.
The divers may come and go,
The tides, they arise and fall;
The pearl in its shell lies sealed,
And the Deep Sea covers all.
By Edith Thomas
I found an old journal today. I read the pages where I was hurt by a best friend, I read where I dreamed of Brazil every night. I read the pages before and after Eric died, before and after I moved to Seattle. I read the pages where I was falling in love, where I made plans to leave, where I thought my life was so close to perfection I couldn’t breathe. And I read where I knew my heart was about to break, and I read where it was broken. And I read through those horrible months after. My heart became very conscious of you while I was reading. I can’t really explain it, it was like I was realizing our separateness in a very clear way, and it was not entirely bad. I’m very aware of the fact that we are now completely separate lives, and its okay.
I also realized today that I met a person recently, who I think I could feel the same way I felt for you about, but I don’t think I can handle getting over someone of that magnitude again so soon. I hate feeling like my heart is consumed with someone, that my self esteem is wrapped up in a man, that I want someone for more than a just a while. I just want to be my own person for a time, my absolute own person. I don’t know that I’ve really done that in my adult life. There have been a couple men who have taken up the last handful of years of my life and I resent that. And this guy, I can tell he would be one of the 3 or 4 really great guys I’ve met in my life, but I don’t want to fall into someone else right now… I just want to live completely as myself for a while. I need the air, and I need the healing.
I found an old journal today. I read the pages where I was hurt by a best friend, I read where I dreamed of Brazil every night. I read the pages before and after Eric died, before and after I moved to Seattle. I read the pages where I was falling in love, where I made plans to leave, where I thought my life was so close to perfection I couldn’t breathe. And I read where I knew my heart was about to break, and I read where it was broken. And I read through those horrible months after. My heart became very conscious of you while I was reading. I can’t really explain it, it was like I was realizing our separateness in a very clear way, and it was not entirely bad. I’m very aware of the fact that we are now completely separate lives, and its okay.
I also realized today that I met a person recently, who I think I could feel the same way I felt for you about, but I don’t think I can handle getting over someone of that magnitude again so soon. I hate feeling like my heart is consumed with someone, that my self esteem is wrapped up in a man, that I want someone for more than a just a while. I just want to be my own person for a time, my absolute own person. I don’t know that I’ve really done that in my adult life. There have been a couple men who have taken up the last handful of years of my life and I resent that. And this guy, I can tell he would be one of the 3 or 4 really great guys I’ve met in my life, but I don’t want to fall into someone else right now… I just want to live completely as myself for a while. I need the air, and I need the healing.
-K
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