Everything has felt out-of-body lately. I feel like I'm watching my life, and it isn't necessarily bad, I just feel that I've changed. It's very noticeable in my thought process, and in my esteem and the way I act towards people. I've felt sad, and small, and not quite good enough lately, and I hate it, and it is so unlike me. I feel like I should apologize to all of the people in my life and say "I'm sorry I've been such a basket case, thanks for sticking it out, and I swear I'll be better soon." It is just very difficult to reconcile who I was, who I am now, and who I wanted to be. There is this weird and vicious cycle where some nights I swear I would die to hear someone tell me I'm worth something, but when it is said I can't hear it because it's from the wrong person, or I know I shouldn't need to hear it. You'll have to excuse me, because I've never felt this way before. I've never really gone through these feelings of self doubt.

I met this guy, and he is so great. He is a good person, he has all of these amazing qualities and I've tried but I can't find anything in him I don't like. I mean really, there is not a thing about him that bothers me. And I can tell that being with him would be like breathing fresh air, but whenever I think about him too much I start feeling like the most undeserving person, and I get very panicked and start thinking about everything that's wrong with me that he'll discover or that he's already noticed and I feel so self conscious. And even this much thinking into something is so heavy, and so unlike me. The last person who had my heart did a number on it. And it's stupid, I mean, I get it. My value should only be determined by me and God. I know that, and I've always felt that way. And I'm tired of this, I hate being a shell of the person I usually am. I hate that I let someone, especially a man, make me feel like I am not a worthwhile person and not as good as she is. I can see myself feeling this way and it's annoying even to me. I am so, so thankful to the people in my life for weathering this storm with me. Especially Melisa, my best friend. And I swear I'll get through it soon. And I'll sing Here Comes the Sun and feel it in my soul.

Amor amor amor,
Katie