I just don't think I'll ever. Get over you.

Sometimes it comes like a tidal wave. I was sweeping at work, sweeping, and out of nowhere it's a message being sent through wires in my brain. "He's not here anymore. Stop. He's gone. Stop. That beautiful red headed boy. Stop." I remember every day that he's not walking this earth, that I'll never see him again. In the two and half years it's become a thought I carry with me always, but every so often it's a gong someone hits right next to my head and for a few moments it's all I can hear and see and think and understand. And I miss him, I miss him more achingly than anyone else because even with him or him (both of whom I do not see ever speaking with again) there is that thought, that possibility, that somewhere down the road (be it decades, after marriages and children and everything else) we could get coffee and express a mutual, heartfelt, appropriate love for each other that is too buried to possibly express healthily right now. But I know that I will never be able to see his face, feel his presence, hear his ridiculous jokes, shoot some meaningless shit, see him disappear into the night on his bicycle, all of the million other things that made him so uniquely himself. And this sense of loss, this missing of a being, drowns out all other feelings of loss and takes over all the songs, all the lyrics written for someone who isn't around.

And I am terrified at the thought of losing anyone else. There are people I haven't spoken with in years, but knowing that they are breathing, walking, talking, laughing, crying, feeling somewhere is a comfort and it would be very hard for me to exist in a world where they don't. I believe in Heaven and Hell. I believe in judgment. I believe that once someone passes from this world they go to one place or the other by one definite law, and before I find myself eternally perfect, as close as possible to God and completely fulfilled I will be completely, staggeringly and heartbreakingly aware of the fact that several people who I love fiercely I will never see again for all eternity. And there will be accountability, which swerves into another topic (or sub-topic) entirely. (Hardly)Suffice it to say, I miss him I miss him I miss him to the most extreme extent of the word and it broke over me again suddenly on Saturday, the healing scar was ripped open and the wound is burning still.

K