one or two things I've been meaning to tell you

My summer has been really lovely. I've seen a lot of beautiful sunsets, I've caught that 15 minutes of gold before twilight a few times. I've kept myself in close proximity to water, felt it rush in my ears and around my body. I've been sleeping with my window open for months now, even though it gets cold sometimes. I've been reading more Ondaatje than usual. There is this part in The English Patient where he talks about souls ignoring their fate, I think about that a lot. I'm working on memorizing Sallie Chisum/Last Words on Billy the Kid. It is important to me to have poetry in my head, in my heart.

I've been storing up stories and little anecdotes I think you would like. My puppy, Huckleberry Finn, he is so big now. He went from a little baby to this huge, beautiful dog in about a minute. Anyway, he's not an incredibly vocal dog, he doesn't really whine or bark a lot, but he has this howl he does that I love so much. He hardly ever does it, but when he does you can see so clearly by the expression on his face that he is feeling emotion and the only way to express himself is this deep throated howl that is somewhere between a cry and a laugh. He never does it for food or to be let outside or anything, just when he wants one of us human beings to take him seriously or hurry up and get inside or reach down and give him some love. I hope you get to see it someday, it's adorable.

The country has been calling my name lately, which seems random given my love for the city, but all I can think about is buying a little one room log cabin next to a lake. I want to wake up and swim in cold, clear lake water. I want to wander through meadows and climb up mountains. I want to feel the calmness of being surrounded by nature. I want to learn all the stars and live somewhere I can actually see them. Maybe this will pass, maybe not. I feel constantly stuck between city and nature, entertainment and humanity, art and service. I'm banking on living the oxymoron, believing that none of these things are mutually exclusive. Trying not to feel like two different people.

I'm young and ridiculous and a little bit manic and so incredibly flawed, I know that. I never think before I speak, I don't keep my emotions in check and I laugh too hard, cry too often, get angry too quickly, and am apathetic when I should care. And I am okay with who I am, because I'm working on it. I'm never going to be ordinary, and that is also okay with me. This is who I am, and I suspect that this is also who you are.

One more thing I wanted you to know- I am doing really, really well right now. And I don't mean just in this moment, or just tonight. I mean for the past few months I've been happy. So, I just wanted you to know. Thanks for your note, I'm proud of you.

K

I am different now than I was a week ago

I feel quiet and close to God. I realize (for the hundreth time) that these weeks I go away to serve God are the only times I feel good, and the rest of the time I am filling my life with distractions to forget that. I feel sad and lonely in this moment right now and I'm not sure why. I feel amazed that while I look at myself and see so many flaws God looks at me and feels love. I feel ready to hope again that something could come of my life in the near future. I feel ready to listen and ready to go.

Today was lovely. A talk with Mom about John 14 (I will not leave you as orphans, I will come to you), the lake with seestors and Mom, Thai food and a nap on the deck, then waking up to one of the most beautiful twilights I've ever seen in my life and "randomly" opening up to 2 Peter to read "So then, my brothers, be all the more eager to make your calling and election certain, for if you keep on doing this you will never fail." Something has changed in my heart. Something has changed in my life.

K

You & I
this night when it gets too cold
we come inside to sleep
and whisper secrets under covers.
I put my hand to the back of your head
fingers in your hair
and breathe in smells of campfire smoke,
your skin marked with ash
(and I am also marked)
I taste the cold air in your mouth,
feeling out of place indoors.
We tangle up together
You & I,
like the evergreens that bend together in the wind.

Twenty-One and Three Quarters

I'm anxious to turn 22. Not in the way I was anxious to turn 16, 18, or 21, which was to not have my age matter anymore (besides Melisa, Lauren, and a handful of other girls I've known since Jr High every single one of my good friends are at least two years older than me, most of them about five, it's been this way with all groups of friends I've had) and have my age validated in the eyes of the law; be able to drive, vote and drink (three things that very important to me). I just want to leave this entire gloomy year of being 21 behind me. It sounds like it was all extremely depressing, and it wasn't, but I look at it as a year of heartbreak and I don't want to be in that place anymore. I always divide up my life by how old I am, it came naturally in categorizing the school years and summers because my birthday is in August. The year of being 12 was an awakening. The year of being 15 was a metamorphosis. The year of being 16 was first love and first heartbreak. The year of being 18 was becoming my own. The year of being 20 is too delicate and hopeful and a million other things to really speak of or even categorize yet. The year of being 21 has been dark (with random bursts of sunlight thanks mostly to Melisa and The Pajama Game). So, in keeping with my Declaration of Ignoring (see previous entry) I am making a second declaration, which is that since April 25th I am labeling this few months of my life as Twenty-One and Three Quarters. I'm in the light for the first time in what feels like forever. I told my mom a few days ago that if someone told me a year ago that it would take a year to finally feel like myself again I don't know how I would have been able to deal with it. I truly feel like a darkness came over me and clouded my senses. You can call it depression, sadness, loneliness, whatever. They tend to come altogether. Some people have a predisposition for melancholy and I know I'm one of those people and I know that I'll deal with it again and again in my life, but the whole point is that I'm not drowning now, I'm floating and feeling the sun on my body and it is glorious.

I took this picture yesterday and it captures I feel lately:

K

Today I decided that I am ignoring my broken heart. I no longer have the need to feel it all out, to open my heart to every single emotion and memory and dream that never materialized, to examine every aspect of all the events that transpired in the past x amount of years. I am metaphorically bandaging it together, putting make-up over it, and trying to forget it. And (to keep the metaphor going) hoping it doesn't get infected but just heals while I'm focusing on all of the fun days I've had lately and the fun days to come. I felt Melancholy come over me today and felt my entire body and soul start to shift to sadness, but then I had a thought that I would just ignore Melancholy, pretend I don't see or hear him. So instead I thought about how much fun it would be to throw a Mid Summer's Night Dream party this summer and if I was going to practice riding my new scooter later. So that is my new tactic. I'm not dwelling on my heart, not thinking about my sadness or lonliness. I'm thinking about my sisters, friends, my puppy, and the sun. Wherever it is (Seriously, Washingto? Seriously!).

Amor
K

I just don't think I'll ever. Get over you.

Sometimes it comes like a tidal wave. I was sweeping at work, sweeping, and out of nowhere it's a message being sent through wires in my brain. "He's not here anymore. Stop. He's gone. Stop. That beautiful red headed boy. Stop." I remember every day that he's not walking this earth, that I'll never see him again. In the two and half years it's become a thought I carry with me always, but every so often it's a gong someone hits right next to my head and for a few moments it's all I can hear and see and think and understand. And I miss him, I miss him more achingly than anyone else because even with him or him (both of whom I do not see ever speaking with again) there is that thought, that possibility, that somewhere down the road (be it decades, after marriages and children and everything else) we could get coffee and express a mutual, heartfelt, appropriate love for each other that is too buried to possibly express healthily right now. But I know that I will never be able to see his face, feel his presence, hear his ridiculous jokes, shoot some meaningless shit, see him disappear into the night on his bicycle, all of the million other things that made him so uniquely himself. And this sense of loss, this missing of a being, drowns out all other feelings of loss and takes over all the songs, all the lyrics written for someone who isn't around.

And I am terrified at the thought of losing anyone else. There are people I haven't spoken with in years, but knowing that they are breathing, walking, talking, laughing, crying, feeling somewhere is a comfort and it would be very hard for me to exist in a world where they don't. I believe in Heaven and Hell. I believe in judgment. I believe that once someone passes from this world they go to one place or the other by one definite law, and before I find myself eternally perfect, as close as possible to God and completely fulfilled I will be completely, staggeringly and heartbreakingly aware of the fact that several people who I love fiercely I will never see again for all eternity. And there will be accountability, which swerves into another topic (or sub-topic) entirely. (Hardly)Suffice it to say, I miss him I miss him I miss him to the most extreme extent of the word and it broke over me again suddenly on Saturday, the healing scar was ripped open and the wound is burning still.

K

In case you were wondering how amazing I am, I'll tell you. Yesterday I made homemade strawberry ice cream, and it is fantastic. And because I am so obsessive I'm already plotting the 79 other flavors I'm going to make in the next few weeks. Chocolate Peanut butter (at the request of Char), Mocha, Dark Choc Raspberry, Honey Lavender (I swear that will taste great!), etc. I think I am going to have a tasting/BBQ so everyone can experience my skills.

The play closed on Sunday. I thought that I would be very sad, but I am mostly just so excited about the great new friends I made through it, and knowing that we will still see each other often. It was the best cast I've ever been a part of, everyone was so down to earth and mostly so much fun. Tuesday some of us saw Prince Caspian (wonderful, loved it so much more then the first), and hopefully there will be much more hanging out in the near future.

Char, Amiriah, Ri & his friend Jerin & I went to Folklife on Monday. It was a very nice day, we stopped by Kyle's apartment after and played many rounds of my new favorite game (courtesy of Rachel) "I am thinking of someone who is in the circle in my mind and you all have to go around the circle and ask questions such as 'If this person were a tree what tree would they be' and then you have to guess" (note: this is a working title).

House and Grey's Anatomy finales were so excellent. House was heartbreaking and I was still sniffling for an hour afterwards, and Grey's was so exciting! Both left me craving the next season- what will happen to House and Wilson's friendship? Will Alex and Izzie finally get together? I've been wanting them to get together for so long.

Things I am really into right now? Besides making ice cream:

-Listening to Matt Duke (listen to Rabbit) & Brenden James (listen to Green)

-Currently watching Australia's Next Top Model. It blows the American version out of the water, all of the girls are gorgeous and actually look like real models, the judges have impeccable taste, and the girls are put in real model-life situations. Plus I like the accent

-Melisa gave me Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert that I have yet to get started on, and actually I have a huge stack of magazines to get through and ever since my Lord of the Rings dream (see a few entries back) I've been wanting to re-read all three books. So yeah, not actually reading anything at the moment (a first for me) but next sunny day I'm not at work I am laying outside with music in my ears and a huge, cold drink and I'll get through some things.

Camping soon soon soon I hope. Oh and Huckleberry is adorable. I tried to take a cute pic of us and these are the best I could come up with:

He doesn't like taking pictures with his mom apparently.

Love,
K