Let it Be

I was watching a show about coral reefs and all of the life that is as yet undiscovered and, as almost everything startling beautiful and full of life seems to do, it reminded me of Eric and I felt that familiar ache in my chest. Does grief actually make your heart physically hurt, or is it just a psychological thing from centuries of association between feelings and the organ that pumps our blood? I miss him so much. I wish there was a more intense version of the word miss, because it seems strange to use the same word for Eric that I use for a friend I haven't seem for a bit or an ex-boyfriend. Every so often I have a dream of him where he's alive and I hug him and I tell him how much I love him, how much I've missed him, where has he been because he should be with us still. I've been spending time lately with that group of friends, I couldn't for a while because it made me feel his absence too much, and we don't really talk about him but I can feel his spirit, his sense of humor, his heart, coming through everyone.

Sometimes when the hurt is particularly bad I ask "When will this pain ever lessen, when will I ever not feel this hurt so intensely?" But I know I'm hanging on to the hurt because it seems like all I have of him. Three and a half years, and even though I can still remember him so well I know that years down the road I won't be able to and it makes me panicky. So I hold on to the hurt, because then I can at least feel something about him sharply.

The thing with Eric though, and this is what has changed me, he laughed at everyone but he loved everyone too. He would make fun of someone and be silly, but then he would love them. And we all loved him. I have some moments I've froze in my mind- once I saw him at the ferry terminal, he was getting his bike and I was just getting home from working in Seattle, and he said hi and told me I looked really good. It's almost silly, but it's just a snapshot of who he was. He was, like the coral reef, startlingly beautiful and full of life. I loved him from the moment I met him. It was backstage at Oliver, he was doing the lights, and he ran across the room like a raptor and I loved him. And I was lucky enough that I got to be on the receiving end of his love, even though it was only 9th grade. And Prom was and still is special to me, not because it was the end of senior year or anything typical like that, but because I was with Eric and I kissed him in the car and held his hand and danced with him and it wasn't romantic, it was this pure kind of love that emanated from Eric and all of his friends got to experience.

Grief is like waves, or a gong someone hits that reverberates through your body. It hurts, then the pain recedes a bit then all of a sudden it hits you again right in the face and you're left choking and gasping for air. I can't really breathe right now, and the next few days will be hard, but then it will get better for a while. Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be. Whisper words of wisdom, let it be.

This process of untangling myself from you

I'm quieter now, more calm. I'm a little less manic and I really think I'm kinder. I've been curbing myself, and it's nice to see some change. I have a really great job offer for September, and I'm moving out of the state. I'm finally going somewhere warm and close to the ocean, so you should be proud. My life is still funny without you in it, you would think I'd be used to it now but I'm not. I'm an all or nothing girl when it comes to my heart, and when interesting, quirky things happen to me during the day I file them away in my mind to tell you. I really hope that someday we can be friends again. I miss you, a lot. And not even the being in love part, just the part where we got to talk and express that we cared for each other instead of pretending not to care, yet knowing that we still do. And maybe it's stupid to use this blog to communicate, but you changed the landscape of my heart and soul, and I need to have some connection to you, however public and technical it may be. I hope you're happy, but I still hope you feel just a little hint of sadness when you think of me. We'll call it a courtesy, and we don't have to tell anyone.

Lately Huck and I have this new thing- we go running on the trails at Jackson park. And I mean running. As soon as we get around a few corners on the trail we go balls-out, as fast as we can, until we're too tired, and then we take off running again as soon as we've caught our breath. It's so much fun. I never thought I'd be someone who enjoyed running, that was always the part of working out I hated, but this kind of running is amazing. It's literally like being 6 years old and just running as fast as you can, it's so much fun. It's always a little bit embarrassing when we come upon other people on the trails and they catch me trying to act like, you know, I'm just jogging. It's exactly like that one episode of Friends... You know, with Phoebe?

Spring is coming, I can see it and feel it and hear it and smell it and taste it. Every single one of my senses is on full alert, waiting for the night I can sleep without my electric blanket and go out without a heavy coat. The willow tree is days away from being completely green again! These are the things that make me happy, running with my dog in the woods and the impending arrival of spring. Anything else is too much and makes me antsy.

Ocean&Sky

I could've sat there all day. I love the ocean. It's the only place where I feel like I can really breath, you know?

3 simple things I love

being with friends

coming home to this bedroom

getting flowers

if you like it then you shoulda put a ring on it

I really hate getting hit on by married men. It really, really upsets me. Vegas kind of blew my mind because we were hanging out with all of these married men and almost every single one of them was trying to hook up with someone. I seriously had to reconsider what I thought about marriage after that trip, and trust me, it's not something I take lightly. I mean really, obviously the wives of these rich and powerful men we were hanging out with have some sort of arrangement going on, I can't think they're naive, but it wouldn't matter to me if I was married to Justin Timberlake, marriage is a sacred thing. You just don't mess with it, ever. And I swear I almost said all of this to a guy with a conspicuous ring on his left hand who will not stop hitting on me at work, but I held it in. Sometimes I kind of hate being hit on in general, flattery aside, because I always feel like, "okay, you don't actually know me, you probably don't care about the same things I care about, and there is no way you would actually want to deal with my issues!"

That's all.

I see Orion and say nothing

Just like the Ani DiFranco song, except I told Brad how I always do that last weekend. I can always spot out Orion, it's a comfort to me. I have some freckles on the inside of my left arm that look like Orion, maybe that's why I know it so well, I was born with a map of it on my body. But Brad's the kind of friend where you let him in something like that, so I felt okay sharing it. I dropped Melisa and Brad off at their homes in Bremerton and drove home with Paul McCartney, wondering at how I keep so many people at arm's distance and wishing I would stop having breakdowns of neediness. I hate when I get needy, especially when it expresses itself through the compulsive little mechanisms I know so well. But now I'm home, in my bedroom with my dog and my music and a candle and my electric blanket warming up my bed and oh my gosh I swear this is so close to perfection. It's a good feeling to know that I'm living life so fully, that I have friends I love and we spend half the nights together and even the being alone- I am fully my own person right now- even the being alone feels right. It's lonely sometimes of course, but I'm convinced I'm destined for pretty amazing love in my life and the moments of loneliness will only make the love all that more deep.

These moments, days here and there when I feel good again. I feel good about the future, excited about who I'll be in 10 years but in no hurry to get there. Sad about some of the issues, the neediness and mechanisms but even those are part of the balance. I'm getting better and better at weathering the storms. Incomplete sentences, incomplete thoughts, incomplete life.

Katie