One of the Salinger books, I think it's Franny and Zooey, whichever one takes place after the wedding that maybe did or didn't happy (I know I need to re-read it), there is this part where he talks about sitting across the table from her feeling distant, knowing she feels he's distant. That's what the phone was like tonight, we're just talking about the snow, Jason Mraz, a movie we might see next weekend... and I can tell he's upset with me because I'm doing what I always do and he should know it. He's talking to me and I'm wandering all over, away from him. And it's not fair to anyone, of course, not to him and not to me. I'm not good at being commited, and not because there's other people but because there's me.
You know that kind of art that just trancsends? Like a movie or song that hits you heart so squarely, a painting that makes you cry, a book that you can't put down... That feeling you get in your heart when something just connects? I live for that. I want to be be inspired, I want to create beautiful things and I want to see beautiful things all around me. Melisa told me that she thinks when we create something beautiful it's how we connect with God, because he created everything that's beautiful. It blew my mind, and I've been turning it over ever since. But that is the basis of who I am, the most defining trait of my personality. I feel like that will carry me far and wide.
I love love, of course. Love is the most powerful force in the world and the pursuit of it drives so much of life. And I'm familiar enough with love and with falling into it to know when I'm not. And I know enough of lust and comfort and company to know them when I see them. Life would be much more simple if I could be a shallow person, but this is who I am. And I need to be free, for most of the time anyway.
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