Trying to work something out...

Amongst those who know and love me, my commitment-phobia is a joke akin to how I hate to have my neck touched. Both make me feel incredibly uneasy and suffocated, I get antsy and can't breathe or sleep or live properly. But I've been thinking about it lately (because I'm trying to be a little bit committed right now) and what it is... is I think that once I was with someone and he consumed me, he was all I could think about and always on my mind. I lost myself in him in the best way you can, where you're a better person for being a part of another human being and he is as well. So for a bit, and much more quickly than I had expected to, I was living my life with someone else and plans for the future, whether for next weekend or next year or the rest of our lives, those were all very clear and made sense. Of course I would be with him forever. And of course I was wrong, and in the end I made the right decision and broke myself off from what would most likely end up bringing more pain than happiness, and you can judge for yourself by what I write here how over it I am. But my whole point is that I was once so enamored with someone that he was everything to me, and I haven't met another person like that so far in my life (which I know is still so short, and I would prefer to limit the amount of men who impact my life like that anyway), and after you feel that way about someone it's hard to adjust back to just liking someone. To wanting to see them a couple times a week but not every day. To wake up from a dream about the wrong person and feel your heart missing the wrong person. Maybe it's not that I'm commitment phobic, maybe it's just that my heart is not entirely free of someone else and I can't quite shake him enough to just have fun with someone who is not even close to him.