one or two things I've been meaning to tell you

My summer has been really lovely. I've seen a lot of beautiful sunsets, I've caught that 15 minutes of gold before twilight a few times. I've kept myself in close proximity to water, felt it rush in my ears and around my body. I've been sleeping with my window open for months now, even though it gets cold sometimes. I've been reading more Ondaatje than usual. There is this part in The English Patient where he talks about souls ignoring their fate, I think about that a lot. I'm working on memorizing Sallie Chisum/Last Words on Billy the Kid. It is important to me to have poetry in my head, in my heart.

I've been storing up stories and little anecdotes I think you would like. My puppy, Huckleberry Finn, he is so big now. He went from a little baby to this huge, beautiful dog in about a minute. Anyway, he's not an incredibly vocal dog, he doesn't really whine or bark a lot, but he has this howl he does that I love so much. He hardly ever does it, but when he does you can see so clearly by the expression on his face that he is feeling emotion and the only way to express himself is this deep throated howl that is somewhere between a cry and a laugh. He never does it for food or to be let outside or anything, just when he wants one of us human beings to take him seriously or hurry up and get inside or reach down and give him some love. I hope you get to see it someday, it's adorable.

The country has been calling my name lately, which seems random given my love for the city, but all I can think about is buying a little one room log cabin next to a lake. I want to wake up and swim in cold, clear lake water. I want to wander through meadows and climb up mountains. I want to feel the calmness of being surrounded by nature. I want to learn all the stars and live somewhere I can actually see them. Maybe this will pass, maybe not. I feel constantly stuck between city and nature, entertainment and humanity, art and service. I'm banking on living the oxymoron, believing that none of these things are mutually exclusive. Trying not to feel like two different people.

I'm young and ridiculous and a little bit manic and so incredibly flawed, I know that. I never think before I speak, I don't keep my emotions in check and I laugh too hard, cry too often, get angry too quickly, and am apathetic when I should care. And I am okay with who I am, because I'm working on it. I'm never going to be ordinary, and that is also okay with me. This is who I am, and I suspect that this is also who you are.

One more thing I wanted you to know- I am doing really, really well right now. And I don't mean just in this moment, or just tonight. I mean for the past few months I've been happy. So, I just wanted you to know. Thanks for your note, I'm proud of you.

K

I am different now than I was a week ago

I feel quiet and close to God. I realize (for the hundreth time) that these weeks I go away to serve God are the only times I feel good, and the rest of the time I am filling my life with distractions to forget that. I feel sad and lonely in this moment right now and I'm not sure why. I feel amazed that while I look at myself and see so many flaws God looks at me and feels love. I feel ready to hope again that something could come of my life in the near future. I feel ready to listen and ready to go.

Today was lovely. A talk with Mom about John 14 (I will not leave you as orphans, I will come to you), the lake with seestors and Mom, Thai food and a nap on the deck, then waking up to one of the most beautiful twilights I've ever seen in my life and "randomly" opening up to 2 Peter to read "So then, my brothers, be all the more eager to make your calling and election certain, for if you keep on doing this you will never fail." Something has changed in my heart. Something has changed in my life.

K