I'm gonna steer clear, burn up in your atmosphere

I've put the Big Emotional Writing Project on hold, let the interested party know it's incomplete and probably going to stay that way for a bit. I just can't finish it and have it be mediocre, and lately I'm not interested in turning up all of the emotional stuff that goes along with it, that the piece deserves. I've been close enough to the tortured artist and I know it's no way to live, so as long as my days are so full of sunshine I'll leave them that way. I'll finish it someday, when I find myself in a place where I feel I can tackle it all without compromising myself.

The past year, especially the past 6 or 7 months, have been the most progressive of my life. I've learned a lot about the world and even more about myself, about how I relate to the world. Every time I think about the future I get butterflies in my stomach, I really think that some amazing things are on the horizon. Adventure and growth and love and peace. I think I'm kind of doing this thing though, maybe pushing people away right now so it will be easier to leave. I have a genuine affection for this town and the people in, and in the summer there is nowhere more beautiful than the Pacific Northwest. Some days I want to want the suburban life so many of friends are happy with- the whole get a job get married be domestic thing- but I've always known convention wasn't for me. I don't know, maybe I'll surprise myself somewhere down the road, and that will be fine and all, but in the meantime I just want to travel to beautiful places and meet beautiful souls.

Except it's cool now, because finally I've gotten to a point where I'm okay with everything that happened. Not that I think either one of us really handled everything right, but I've been thinking about forgiveness lately, and I realized that I need to forgive you. It's funny because I didn't realize how angry I was with you, it was all so tied into how in love with you I was for so long, I couldn't separate it. But then I look at it starkly, and I see how we were happy, how you hurt me, and how I reacted poorly, and how you reacted poorly, and so on, and when I finally unwrap all of those arguments and late night phone calls and other stupid communications and I felt for so long after, I get it. I'm really angry with what you did, and it really hurt me and I allowed it to become an avalanche in my life. But anyway, I do forgive you. I've found that forgiveness is a continuous process when it comes to matters of the heart, so I expect I'll be forgiving you a lot in the future.

But like I said, it's cool now. I'm pretty happy right now, and it feels less manic than it has in the past. And my freedom... oh my gosh I can't even explain. I'm breathing fresh air, all the time. My plans for the next few years? Go to Hawaii for a bit, maybe go to Australia for a bit more, then start a career that involves me being on the road, in a different city every week.

Relationships are toxic to me, they get too intense and all of a sudden I'm either so in love it's all I can understand and I don't recognize anything else (once) or I'm fully in the moment with someone and gone the next, gasping for air and pushing them away. And neither are particularly healthy. It's been a few months now that I've been really, legitimately solo, and it's nice. I'm not so heartbroken anymore, after all. I'm certainly not pining for anyone, and I have no obligations to anyone other than myself. Plus, I think I have some figuring out to do with my soul, I feel caught between two worlds lately, and I'm finding I can't fully commit to either, and I'd hate to have this decision influenced by someone else. So yeah, it's good now. I'm good.

Everything feels good and happy lately. I've been travelling a lot, and there is more in my future. I just got back from New Orleans, I'll be in Idaho this weekend, there's a possible quick trip to San Diego and Tj in a few weeks, a couple CA roadtrips this summer, then I head to Hawaii semi-permanently in September. Everything in my feels the best it ever has, and I feel like there are really amazing things on the horizon. It's good.

I have a headache from too much crying and not enough water. We had to put Molly down yesterday morning (I can hardly even type it), my sweet sweet baby dog I've had for 13 years, almost to the day. I'm trying not to really, you know, think about it too much because I'm so emotionally drained. There hasn't been a break, either. I work all the time now, one job or the other. But I can't complain about that at all, because I did take a week vacation to New Orleans for a PGA tourney, I love both of my bosses and both jobs are excellent work situations, and every dollar I save is another step away.

It's been just Huck and I all evening. He had escaped into the front yard when I pulled into my driveway in the rain, he was soaking wet and I could tell he'd been roaming the neighborhood for a few hours. He was so happy to see me, we were both so happy to get inside and shut ourselves in for the evening. I dried him off and took a bubble bath and we snuggled up on my bed and ate M&Ms and watched internet tv. He is never allowed to die. And I keep saying I don't have any tears left, but apparently I still do. I want both of my dogs. And I don't care if it makes me seem like a 5 year old, I know Molly's in Heaven and can see and hear everything again and is running all around like she hasn't been able to in a while. It's just really hard to get used to the idea that she's not here anymore, because she's been here for most of my life.

Death is horrible, and I don't think I'll ever be resigned to it as just a natural part of the circle of life.