I wear my heart on my sleeve and can hardly keep anything to myself, everyone in my life knows that. I'm like a radio, constantly broadcasting how I feel about everything and always, always communicating. So it's funny to read back on this blog, because I was feeling so much while keeping up with it, and I'm really so much more mellow now. I'm moving to Hawaii on Tuesday. I am really, actually and finally over him. I'm 100% single. I'm surrounded by wonderful people, and always busy, never bored. Basically, my life is really really good and I'm an incredibly lucky girl. I have this huge adventure that begins next week, and I'm so excited and good-kind-of-scared and ready for it. I'm blogging over at KatieinKona.blogspot.com, and it reads more adventure and less heart broken girl keeping public diary. Check it.

It's like love lite, it's the substitute for the real thing. It never tastes as good, and in the long run it will give you cancer, but it will do when you have a craving and the real thing is too risky. Tonight I'm not giving in, because I get there and I'm with him but I'm not really there, because he's nowhere near good enough. I'd rather take the night in, the bit of loneliness, than have the fake version. It just doesn't really do it for me anymore.

I am constantly knocking on wood, lately. Everything in front of me looks beautiful at this point, everything involving who I am is cool. Great family, friends and perfect doggy. I am so lucky, so happy, so in love with my life and excited about where I'm going... it seems so perfect some days I'm afraid I'll jinx it. But I think I'm finally due some happiness, and the best part is that the happiness isn't because of a someone. I'm just good now.

Can't sleep! I'm turning all of this stuff over in my mind, I've been ansty lately like you wouldn't believe, just all over the place. I feel like too many people are staking claim of me and pulling me in all sorts of directions, and then I can't wait to leave. I'm an easy scare, a flight risk when it comes to too much closeness. I know I know, and I'm working on it. I recognize that these days, at least the times when I'm not working, are golden. And I am working all the time now, it's exhausting, but the evenings are with a group of people I have loved for a very long time, and we all recognize how fleeting it is for us all to be in the same place at the same time. Everything feels fleeting lately, it's part of the magic of summer. I should be asleep now, I'm so tired, but every time I try to sleep I'm wide awake and once I start thinking about something too intense I'm done for. Last night I fell asleep with an old best friend on the phone- it was so comforting. Him and I were always doing that when we were younger, hours on the phone into the night, and randomly it happened again last night. We have this connection I can't explain, we're so similar and like I said, it's comforting. Maybe I can find my way into sleep now, my room is the perfect temp and I've had a glass of wine, I'm going to put a movie on and maybe pick up the phone again. It sounds like perfection.

Au Revoir

I'm gonna steer clear, burn up in your atmosphere

I've put the Big Emotional Writing Project on hold, let the interested party know it's incomplete and probably going to stay that way for a bit. I just can't finish it and have it be mediocre, and lately I'm not interested in turning up all of the emotional stuff that goes along with it, that the piece deserves. I've been close enough to the tortured artist and I know it's no way to live, so as long as my days are so full of sunshine I'll leave them that way. I'll finish it someday, when I find myself in a place where I feel I can tackle it all without compromising myself.

The past year, especially the past 6 or 7 months, have been the most progressive of my life. I've learned a lot about the world and even more about myself, about how I relate to the world. Every time I think about the future I get butterflies in my stomach, I really think that some amazing things are on the horizon. Adventure and growth and love and peace. I think I'm kind of doing this thing though, maybe pushing people away right now so it will be easier to leave. I have a genuine affection for this town and the people in, and in the summer there is nowhere more beautiful than the Pacific Northwest. Some days I want to want the suburban life so many of friends are happy with- the whole get a job get married be domestic thing- but I've always known convention wasn't for me. I don't know, maybe I'll surprise myself somewhere down the road, and that will be fine and all, but in the meantime I just want to travel to beautiful places and meet beautiful souls.

Except it's cool now, because finally I've gotten to a point where I'm okay with everything that happened. Not that I think either one of us really handled everything right, but I've been thinking about forgiveness lately, and I realized that I need to forgive you. It's funny because I didn't realize how angry I was with you, it was all so tied into how in love with you I was for so long, I couldn't separate it. But then I look at it starkly, and I see how we were happy, how you hurt me, and how I reacted poorly, and how you reacted poorly, and so on, and when I finally unwrap all of those arguments and late night phone calls and other stupid communications and I felt for so long after, I get it. I'm really angry with what you did, and it really hurt me and I allowed it to become an avalanche in my life. But anyway, I do forgive you. I've found that forgiveness is a continuous process when it comes to matters of the heart, so I expect I'll be forgiving you a lot in the future.

But like I said, it's cool now. I'm pretty happy right now, and it feels less manic than it has in the past. And my freedom... oh my gosh I can't even explain. I'm breathing fresh air, all the time. My plans for the next few years? Go to Hawaii for a bit, maybe go to Australia for a bit more, then start a career that involves me being on the road, in a different city every week.

Relationships are toxic to me, they get too intense and all of a sudden I'm either so in love it's all I can understand and I don't recognize anything else (once) or I'm fully in the moment with someone and gone the next, gasping for air and pushing them away. And neither are particularly healthy. It's been a few months now that I've been really, legitimately solo, and it's nice. I'm not so heartbroken anymore, after all. I'm certainly not pining for anyone, and I have no obligations to anyone other than myself. Plus, I think I have some figuring out to do with my soul, I feel caught between two worlds lately, and I'm finding I can't fully commit to either, and I'd hate to have this decision influenced by someone else. So yeah, it's good now. I'm good.

Everything feels good and happy lately. I've been travelling a lot, and there is more in my future. I just got back from New Orleans, I'll be in Idaho this weekend, there's a possible quick trip to San Diego and Tj in a few weeks, a couple CA roadtrips this summer, then I head to Hawaii semi-permanently in September. Everything in my feels the best it ever has, and I feel like there are really amazing things on the horizon. It's good.

I have a headache from too much crying and not enough water. We had to put Molly down yesterday morning (I can hardly even type it), my sweet sweet baby dog I've had for 13 years, almost to the day. I'm trying not to really, you know, think about it too much because I'm so emotionally drained. There hasn't been a break, either. I work all the time now, one job or the other. But I can't complain about that at all, because I did take a week vacation to New Orleans for a PGA tourney, I love both of my bosses and both jobs are excellent work situations, and every dollar I save is another step away.

It's been just Huck and I all evening. He had escaped into the front yard when I pulled into my driveway in the rain, he was soaking wet and I could tell he'd been roaming the neighborhood for a few hours. He was so happy to see me, we were both so happy to get inside and shut ourselves in for the evening. I dried him off and took a bubble bath and we snuggled up on my bed and ate M&Ms and watched internet tv. He is never allowed to die. And I keep saying I don't have any tears left, but apparently I still do. I want both of my dogs. And I don't care if it makes me seem like a 5 year old, I know Molly's in Heaven and can see and hear everything again and is running all around like she hasn't been able to in a while. It's just really hard to get used to the idea that she's not here anymore, because she's been here for most of my life.

Death is horrible, and I don't think I'll ever be resigned to it as just a natural part of the circle of life.

Let it Be

I was watching a show about coral reefs and all of the life that is as yet undiscovered and, as almost everything startling beautiful and full of life seems to do, it reminded me of Eric and I felt that familiar ache in my chest. Does grief actually make your heart physically hurt, or is it just a psychological thing from centuries of association between feelings and the organ that pumps our blood? I miss him so much. I wish there was a more intense version of the word miss, because it seems strange to use the same word for Eric that I use for a friend I haven't seem for a bit or an ex-boyfriend. Every so often I have a dream of him where he's alive and I hug him and I tell him how much I love him, how much I've missed him, where has he been because he should be with us still. I've been spending time lately with that group of friends, I couldn't for a while because it made me feel his absence too much, and we don't really talk about him but I can feel his spirit, his sense of humor, his heart, coming through everyone.

Sometimes when the hurt is particularly bad I ask "When will this pain ever lessen, when will I ever not feel this hurt so intensely?" But I know I'm hanging on to the hurt because it seems like all I have of him. Three and a half years, and even though I can still remember him so well I know that years down the road I won't be able to and it makes me panicky. So I hold on to the hurt, because then I can at least feel something about him sharply.

The thing with Eric though, and this is what has changed me, he laughed at everyone but he loved everyone too. He would make fun of someone and be silly, but then he would love them. And we all loved him. I have some moments I've froze in my mind- once I saw him at the ferry terminal, he was getting his bike and I was just getting home from working in Seattle, and he said hi and told me I looked really good. It's almost silly, but it's just a snapshot of who he was. He was, like the coral reef, startlingly beautiful and full of life. I loved him from the moment I met him. It was backstage at Oliver, he was doing the lights, and he ran across the room like a raptor and I loved him. And I was lucky enough that I got to be on the receiving end of his love, even though it was only 9th grade. And Prom was and still is special to me, not because it was the end of senior year or anything typical like that, but because I was with Eric and I kissed him in the car and held his hand and danced with him and it wasn't romantic, it was this pure kind of love that emanated from Eric and all of his friends got to experience.

Grief is like waves, or a gong someone hits that reverberates through your body. It hurts, then the pain recedes a bit then all of a sudden it hits you again right in the face and you're left choking and gasping for air. I can't really breathe right now, and the next few days will be hard, but then it will get better for a while. Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be. Whisper words of wisdom, let it be.

This process of untangling myself from you

I'm quieter now, more calm. I'm a little less manic and I really think I'm kinder. I've been curbing myself, and it's nice to see some change. I have a really great job offer for September, and I'm moving out of the state. I'm finally going somewhere warm and close to the ocean, so you should be proud. My life is still funny without you in it, you would think I'd be used to it now but I'm not. I'm an all or nothing girl when it comes to my heart, and when interesting, quirky things happen to me during the day I file them away in my mind to tell you. I really hope that someday we can be friends again. I miss you, a lot. And not even the being in love part, just the part where we got to talk and express that we cared for each other instead of pretending not to care, yet knowing that we still do. And maybe it's stupid to use this blog to communicate, but you changed the landscape of my heart and soul, and I need to have some connection to you, however public and technical it may be. I hope you're happy, but I still hope you feel just a little hint of sadness when you think of me. We'll call it a courtesy, and we don't have to tell anyone.

Lately Huck and I have this new thing- we go running on the trails at Jackson park. And I mean running. As soon as we get around a few corners on the trail we go balls-out, as fast as we can, until we're too tired, and then we take off running again as soon as we've caught our breath. It's so much fun. I never thought I'd be someone who enjoyed running, that was always the part of working out I hated, but this kind of running is amazing. It's literally like being 6 years old and just running as fast as you can, it's so much fun. It's always a little bit embarrassing when we come upon other people on the trails and they catch me trying to act like, you know, I'm just jogging. It's exactly like that one episode of Friends... You know, with Phoebe?

Spring is coming, I can see it and feel it and hear it and smell it and taste it. Every single one of my senses is on full alert, waiting for the night I can sleep without my electric blanket and go out without a heavy coat. The willow tree is days away from being completely green again! These are the things that make me happy, running with my dog in the woods and the impending arrival of spring. Anything else is too much and makes me antsy.

Ocean&Sky

I could've sat there all day. I love the ocean. It's the only place where I feel like I can really breath, you know?

3 simple things I love

being with friends

coming home to this bedroom

getting flowers

if you like it then you shoulda put a ring on it

I really hate getting hit on by married men. It really, really upsets me. Vegas kind of blew my mind because we were hanging out with all of these married men and almost every single one of them was trying to hook up with someone. I seriously had to reconsider what I thought about marriage after that trip, and trust me, it's not something I take lightly. I mean really, obviously the wives of these rich and powerful men we were hanging out with have some sort of arrangement going on, I can't think they're naive, but it wouldn't matter to me if I was married to Justin Timberlake, marriage is a sacred thing. You just don't mess with it, ever. And I swear I almost said all of this to a guy with a conspicuous ring on his left hand who will not stop hitting on me at work, but I held it in. Sometimes I kind of hate being hit on in general, flattery aside, because I always feel like, "okay, you don't actually know me, you probably don't care about the same things I care about, and there is no way you would actually want to deal with my issues!"

That's all.

I see Orion and say nothing

Just like the Ani DiFranco song, except I told Brad how I always do that last weekend. I can always spot out Orion, it's a comfort to me. I have some freckles on the inside of my left arm that look like Orion, maybe that's why I know it so well, I was born with a map of it on my body. But Brad's the kind of friend where you let him in something like that, so I felt okay sharing it. I dropped Melisa and Brad off at their homes in Bremerton and drove home with Paul McCartney, wondering at how I keep so many people at arm's distance and wishing I would stop having breakdowns of neediness. I hate when I get needy, especially when it expresses itself through the compulsive little mechanisms I know so well. But now I'm home, in my bedroom with my dog and my music and a candle and my electric blanket warming up my bed and oh my gosh I swear this is so close to perfection. It's a good feeling to know that I'm living life so fully, that I have friends I love and we spend half the nights together and even the being alone- I am fully my own person right now- even the being alone feels right. It's lonely sometimes of course, but I'm convinced I'm destined for pretty amazing love in my life and the moments of loneliness will only make the love all that more deep.

These moments, days here and there when I feel good again. I feel good about the future, excited about who I'll be in 10 years but in no hurry to get there. Sad about some of the issues, the neediness and mechanisms but even those are part of the balance. I'm getting better and better at weathering the storms. Incomplete sentences, incomplete thoughts, incomplete life.

Katie

I've had this dream lately of buying a motor home and living the nomadic life. Well, a bit of a modern day nomadic life. But just drive from place to place, see beautiful scenery every day... that could be a happy existence. Our show opened last weekend and I'm home from a performance tonight. I haven't spent much time by myself lately, everything has been fast and filled with friends and performing and working, but finally I have a night locked in my bedroom with a glass of wine and some music and soon some wonderfully internet-streaming-television (or whatever it is) I missed this week, and then a nice long sleep before it all starts over again. Lately the mood is light and the laughter comes easily, and soon the days will be going by so quickly before I know it I'll be waking up in my new home in September. I can't even think about the prospect too much because it all seems so magical and far away, but finally finally finally I'll be out. And the thought of it makes me absolutely giddy.

Coming home has always hurt so much. Maybe it's about time to change the place I call home.

dreams

I wake up and keep my eyes closed, try to force my mind to stay in that sleep stage, like Heathcliff throwing up the window yelling for Catherine. "Come back to me." I am always grasping at you, always. Even now I can't recall your height or the color of your eyes, I can't quite picture your mouth but when you're in my dreams you're whole and everything is exactly as you are- apparently blocked from my mind and running about my subconscious. I can't believe how much you've wrecked me. I just really miss you tonight, and I wish you'd been more careful with my heart.

There is never peace in my soul. I wander all over looking for it- physically, mentally, emotionally. Nothing ever stays still for me, my heart leaps all over the place. It looks like this fall I'm finally packing up and travelling... I need it. I can't breathe here anymore. I'm going to be in California in a couple weeks, and I'm so relieved for a bit of an escape.

New Years Eve

Lauren, Melis, Me

Champagne

Jr, moi

Lauren laughing, Taylor peacing

I love this, my two best friends.

I think we were gossipping...

It just started snowing again. I think most people would prefer it not, but I'm fine with it. The Dogwood is gorgeous, all covered with snow. I'm on an upswing right now, things are positive. Have best friends around you, listen to Jakob Dylan Pandora Radio, drink Kahlua when it snows, watch all three X-Men movies, look at dailycoyote.net, and think love. It saves your soul a bit.