My heart, my mind and my body all want someone different

I hate the thought of biding my time with someone, but I hate the thought of getting emotionally attached even more. And I'm trying to convince myself that I'm not doing either of those things.

Whatever. Live life, right?

Oh, and some pictures- I took both of these this summer after a few drinks, I'm not sure why but I really love them.

walking the line between myspace pic and art

I've decided to start putting art up here- photos, scans of paintings and sketches, whatever.

I've been doing a lot of self-portraits lately, less for vanity and more because there are never any willing models around when I start feeling creative. I wish this was done with my manual Minolta and that I had printed it myself, but it was taken with my Casio Exilim which is a satisfactory substitute for a bit of cathartic self expression because it's 10.1 mega pixels. The only things I altered are the contrast and color, things I would have changed in a darkroom anyway. The graininess is due to forgoing a flash and only having one lamp on in my bedroom. Click for full size.

My philosophy on my art is that I do it for myself. I take joy in creating it and in looking at it. I am well aware of my talent level and don't expect or even desire to make a living off of whatever medium I'm currently playing around with. I took a couple years of photography in high school and while I was thankful for the technical skills I learned I hated the part where my creativity, my art was judged. I also hate trying to force inspiration. But I love taking portraits of people. And I love enjoying other people's art. My favorite photographers right now?

Terry Richardson:

My Dad:

This picture is of my beautiful Momma, circa 1980. Look for more pictures by my dad here. I've been discovering old albums and let me tell you, my dad is extremely talented. Here's to art, on any level!

I've Decided to Name the Owl Henri & Some Other Things I've been Wanting to Tell You

I name the critters I see running around the backyard. Actually, I would say they name themselves- I see an animal and a name pops into my head. There is Robin the robin, of course, Willow- the squirrel who lives in our willow tree, Woody- a woodpecker who taps on my window from time to time, and now there is Henri- the owl who swooped over my head when Katie O dropped me off at 2:00 AM last Friday. By the way, the willow has lost most of his leaves and so have the rest of the trees, I can see the valley a few miles behind my house now. I like it when a car drives on Salmonberry through the valley because it looks like it's driving on the air. It's been so cold here lately, tomorrow I'm dropping my pea coats off at the dry cleaners. The hand I broke in September is looking strange and I'm afraid it was set wrong and I'll have to have it re-broken and corrected. Thanksgiving is this week and that means I get to see Kyle for a whole day, I'm happy about that. I miss you more today than I have in a while.

I'm really, really excited for this.

silly babies

Huck waking me up (super cute of me)

Molly looking like a cartoon

My cats, life partners for the past 11.5 years.

and stared at a million stars and thought I could touch the sky

The Deep-Sea Pearl

The love of my life came not
As love unto others is cast;
For mine was a secret wound --
But the wound grew a pearl, at last.

The divers may come and go,
The tides, they arise and fall;
The pearl in its shell lies sealed,
And the Deep Sea covers all.

By Edith Thomas

I found an old journal today. I read the pages where I was hurt by a best friend, I read where I dreamed of Brazil every night. I read the pages before and after Eric died, before and after I moved to Seattle. I read the pages where I was falling in love, where I made plans to leave, where I thought my life was so close to perfection I couldn’t breathe. And I read where I knew my heart was about to break, and I read where it was broken. And I read through those horrible months after. My heart became very conscious of you while I was reading. I can’t really explain it, it was like I was realizing our separateness in a very clear way, and it was not entirely bad. I’m very aware of the fact that we are now completely separate lives, and its okay.

I also realized today that I met a person recently, who I think I could feel the same way I felt for you about, but I don’t think I can handle getting over someone of that magnitude again so soon. I hate feeling like my heart is consumed with someone, that my self esteem is wrapped up in a man, that I want someone for more than a just a while. I just want to be my own person for a time, my absolute own person. I don’t know that I’ve really done that in my adult life. There have been a couple men who have taken up the last handful of years of my life and I resent that. And this guy, I can tell he would be one of the 3 or 4 really great guys I’ve met in my life, but I don’t want to fall into someone else right now… I just want to live completely as myself for a while. I need the air, and I need the healing.

-K