if you like it then you shoulda put a ring on it

I really hate getting hit on by married men. It really, really upsets me. Vegas kind of blew my mind because we were hanging out with all of these married men and almost every single one of them was trying to hook up with someone. I seriously had to reconsider what I thought about marriage after that trip, and trust me, it's not something I take lightly. I mean really, obviously the wives of these rich and powerful men we were hanging out with have some sort of arrangement going on, I can't think they're naive, but it wouldn't matter to me if I was married to Justin Timberlake, marriage is a sacred thing. You just don't mess with it, ever. And I swear I almost said all of this to a guy with a conspicuous ring on his left hand who will not stop hitting on me at work, but I held it in. Sometimes I kind of hate being hit on in general, flattery aside, because I always feel like, "okay, you don't actually know me, you probably don't care about the same things I care about, and there is no way you would actually want to deal with my issues!"

That's all.

I see Orion and say nothing

Just like the Ani DiFranco song, except I told Brad how I always do that last weekend. I can always spot out Orion, it's a comfort to me. I have some freckles on the inside of my left arm that look like Orion, maybe that's why I know it so well, I was born with a map of it on my body. But Brad's the kind of friend where you let him in something like that, so I felt okay sharing it. I dropped Melisa and Brad off at their homes in Bremerton and drove home with Paul McCartney, wondering at how I keep so many people at arm's distance and wishing I would stop having breakdowns of neediness. I hate when I get needy, especially when it expresses itself through the compulsive little mechanisms I know so well. But now I'm home, in my bedroom with my dog and my music and a candle and my electric blanket warming up my bed and oh my gosh I swear this is so close to perfection. It's a good feeling to know that I'm living life so fully, that I have friends I love and we spend half the nights together and even the being alone- I am fully my own person right now- even the being alone feels right. It's lonely sometimes of course, but I'm convinced I'm destined for pretty amazing love in my life and the moments of loneliness will only make the love all that more deep.

These moments, days here and there when I feel good again. I feel good about the future, excited about who I'll be in 10 years but in no hurry to get there. Sad about some of the issues, the neediness and mechanisms but even those are part of the balance. I'm getting better and better at weathering the storms. Incomplete sentences, incomplete thoughts, incomplete life.

Katie

I've had this dream lately of buying a motor home and living the nomadic life. Well, a bit of a modern day nomadic life. But just drive from place to place, see beautiful scenery every day... that could be a happy existence. Our show opened last weekend and I'm home from a performance tonight. I haven't spent much time by myself lately, everything has been fast and filled with friends and performing and working, but finally I have a night locked in my bedroom with a glass of wine and some music and soon some wonderfully internet-streaming-television (or whatever it is) I missed this week, and then a nice long sleep before it all starts over again. Lately the mood is light and the laughter comes easily, and soon the days will be going by so quickly before I know it I'll be waking up in my new home in September. I can't even think about the prospect too much because it all seems so magical and far away, but finally finally finally I'll be out. And the thought of it makes me absolutely giddy.