I feel it all the wings are wide

Its like little birds are flying back and forth between us, carrying little messages. I just mean that you're one of my soulmates, wherever you go and whomever you're with. You would be happy tonight, because I'm doing really well. I remember this one time in the back of a cab, we'd both had too much wine, and I told you I was always afraid that everyone would stop loving me. You were quiet, but I knew you meant that you wouldn't stop. I have a list of the five perfect moments in my life and one of them is sitting next to you at Uptown Cinema during Friends with Money. I save remembering that day for times I especially need a smile. I know it wouldn't mean a lot to you, but you were an answer to pray. You ended up kind of being my guardian angel. It's funny to me that so far in my life, a gay man has been the man who has been best at loving me. I just saw my soul reflected so much in you. I miss you so much, I miss our mornings and evenings. I miss being understood by people when I speak to them. I miss that on my worst days you always knew and would bring me homemade macaroni and cheese. I miss the day you came over and put my bed together. I miss my old life. I miss Seattle and music and movies and going out to dinner and all of my friends and not being around so much history, so many ghosts. I miss feeling anonymous. You're the thing I miss the most out of all of it though.



Living here is easier sometimes and harder others. Right now it's easy. Pretty soon it will be warm enough to spend all day floating on the lake, summer is this county's redeemer. I went through such a metamorphisis and I'm sad that not being close with you is part of that. We used to know where the other person was every minute of every day. I hope you're happy. I bet the past few months have been hard for you, they've been hard for me. The past year, actually. You were always so protective of my heart, and now I don't really have anyone doing that for me. And I guess that's good, I've learned to look out for myself better. Anyway, I just really miss you.

On acting, puppies, and the symbiotic relationship between the sun and my psyche.

All of the rehearsals and costume issues and general busy-ness (how do you spell that word so it's different from business??)/needless drama in my life the past few weeks has been completely consuming, but this weekend, once I finally got down to just acting, has felt so good. Stage acting is something very unique, it's this whole experience between actors and audience that creates this moment that can't be captured again. I mean it can't be watched over and over or extensively dissected and each performance feels a little bit different. It is probably, for me, the most cathartic form of art.

Saturday was an especially nice day. I woke up and had a lazy morning, talked with mom and Char about opening night over coffee, then Char and I decided to go tanning. On our way there we see a boy selling border collie puppies for $30. Our family has been talking about getting a puppy for a few months now, specifically a border collie, and I had planned on rescuing one from a shelter, but once I looked at this little black and white boy I couldn't stand to think of him going to bad home. So Char and I made some pleading phone calls, Char ran to the ATM, and 15 minutes later we were back at home with Huckleberry Finn! I am so in love with him. As I type this he's curled up at my feet and every so often he wakes up and licks my toes. Look how adorable:

He loves his baseball! Jonathan is going to be so proud.

I have felt so aware of myself lately, I think that for the first time in my life I am living as completely my own person. There is no toxic, ongoing and unhealthy relationship, no stressful and hated job, no huge obligations. I have a low key job and spend most of my time doing things I love. My mind has been so free to create. I want to get these scripts done so I can start sending out queries to agents. And the sun!! The sun being out is huge for my psyche! I hate to be too quick to say it, but I feel so in repair.

Current obsessions:

Lateday Sun by Lower Lights Burning (myspace.com/lowerlightsburning). It is my favorite song, it's been on constant repeat lately.

Watercolors- I've been doing once piece a night before I go to sleep in a little notebook.

Galway Kinnell poetry-

So what if we groan.
That’s our noise. Laughter is our stuttering
in a language we can’t speak yet. Behind,
the world made of wishes goes dark. Ahead,
if not now then never, shines what is.

I am dreaming of the camping that will happen this summer, debating on a summer play, and certain of being more myself than I have been lately.

K

In case you wanted to know
(I hate to speak it out loud)
with you gone, I am languishing here.

Some mornings I get up too early and
some mornings I get up too late but either way
I’m still getting up without you.

And I still make enough coffee for two,
I guess my hands haven’t heard that
only one person will be drinking it.

Over the newspaper I’ll say out loud,
“make sure you read this article about Bosnia”
and when the only answer is silence- I remember.

I can’t take a breath without feeling you,
and I can’t open my eyes without looking for you,
because you are solidly a part of everything I do.

Now I’m locked in myself with all these memories,
like the time you kissed me in that doorway.
This isn’t freedom, this is hell.

I haven't said yet, but I'm acting in another play. It's The Pajama Game, and I am really, really enjoying it. It's a fun show and I love my character. I get to be sexy and flirty and drunk and get my heart broken, all fun things to act. I really would like to do a drama though, musicals are fun but they are not my forte.

Also I've started working on a new script. It is proably my favorite so far. I was describing the main character to Charity- one of her things is that the smallest things will completely freak her out and turn her off of something/someone and Char listened to me and said, "Hmm, that sounds like you." It was a funny moment, because of course there are peices of myself in every character I create, but I didn't realize that was one of them.

My psyche has a direct correlation to the weather, and I notice that as the Sun stays in the sky longer and the air smells fresher my mood is lighter. And although it makes me feel a bit manic I feel better, like some things are changing. Par exemple, there are two different guys asserting their affection right now and I know that the Katie from a year ago would jump at that, but now I'm looking at them and I know that they are no where near good enough. I think that meeting that other guy, that really great guy, has a huge hand in this. I feel like every few years or so when my standards have slipped a little bit God sends someone completely amazing and worthwhile into my life to remind me not to settle, and that there are men who are good and talented. Artistic without being tortured. Smart without the pompousness. Charismatic without entitlement. Not that I need, or really want, to be with anyone. Anyway, I'm just saying that the tides have changed a little bit and I'm feeling better.

My cat is sleeping on my bed and I can hear her snoring, it's so cute. She's making little cat sleep noises.

K

Everything has felt out-of-body lately. I feel like I'm watching my life, and it isn't necessarily bad, I just feel that I've changed. It's very noticeable in my thought process, and in my esteem and the way I act towards people. I've felt sad, and small, and not quite good enough lately, and I hate it, and it is so unlike me. I feel like I should apologize to all of the people in my life and say "I'm sorry I've been such a basket case, thanks for sticking it out, and I swear I'll be better soon." It is just very difficult to reconcile who I was, who I am now, and who I wanted to be. There is this weird and vicious cycle where some nights I swear I would die to hear someone tell me I'm worth something, but when it is said I can't hear it because it's from the wrong person, or I know I shouldn't need to hear it. You'll have to excuse me, because I've never felt this way before. I've never really gone through these feelings of self doubt.

I met this guy, and he is so great. He is a good person, he has all of these amazing qualities and I've tried but I can't find anything in him I don't like. I mean really, there is not a thing about him that bothers me. And I can tell that being with him would be like breathing fresh air, but whenever I think about him too much I start feeling like the most undeserving person, and I get very panicked and start thinking about everything that's wrong with me that he'll discover or that he's already noticed and I feel so self conscious. And even this much thinking into something is so heavy, and so unlike me. The last person who had my heart did a number on it. And it's stupid, I mean, I get it. My value should only be determined by me and God. I know that, and I've always felt that way. And I'm tired of this, I hate being a shell of the person I usually am. I hate that I let someone, especially a man, make me feel like I am not a worthwhile person and not as good as she is. I can see myself feeling this way and it's annoying even to me. I am so, so thankful to the people in my life for weathering this storm with me. Especially Melisa, my best friend. And I swear I'll get through it soon. And I'll sing Here Comes the Sun and feel it in my soul.

Amor amor amor,
Katie