From the Archives (and do we ever actually change?)

"I'm ending things with him for no other reason than I know I have to and I hate it. It's the saddest thing to look at each other and know you're too different to last, you're polar opposites and there isn't enough of the je ne sais quois to keep you happy. All of our differences that used to be so charming- his schedules and plans, my dreaming and roaming- we're so far away from each all of the time and we can't ignore that the future we never talk about is now here. There isn't even the pleasure of a fight, I can't be mad at him for something he said or did. He's jealous when I speak with so much passion of Ondaatje, Neruda, even the sea. And I can't breathe when he talks about the things he wants next year because I can't imagine myself even in this town in a year. We want to want the same things as each other but we don't. And he admitted to me that I want more, am destined for more, than him and it's true and I've thought it all along but when he said it it broke my heart. The saddest thing right now is that I won't miss him wildly, I won't hurt for lack of him and that seems unfair, he's such a good man and he deserves to be missed and the loss of him cried over. And I would try to resign myself to stay with him, but the thought makes me panic and I'd start to resent him. And I'm too jealous and silly to stay friends with someone I loved. So I'm ending it, and there is no way to say it eloquently, it just really really sucks."

-a few years ago

I want to remind you that you're not allowed to have an opinion about this, and you know why.

As if holding on to someone tighter can make your heart hurt less, or touching someone more can make them stay with you even as you're leaving. Like one body can replace another. But even in spite of all of this there are moments of glimmering truth and in those moments I ride the high and I can get some simplicity. Because only the two of us exist, not even floor or walls or house. Everything melts away, all of my hesitance and trepidation and over thinking... It's like a drug. It covers up the need to cope. Because it is so indescribably lonely to feel disconnected from your blood, from your home, from the people who love you, that if I can grasp a little bit of being connected to someone for a bit, even if I know it's fleeting, I'll take it. I need to fly and be free, but I need to land every so often.

and I would run away from you

One of the Salinger books, I think it's Franny and Zooey, whichever one takes place after the wedding that maybe did or didn't happy (I know I need to re-read it), there is this part where he talks about sitting across the table from her feeling distant, knowing she feels he's distant. That's what the phone was like tonight, we're just talking about the snow, Jason Mraz, a movie we might see next weekend... and I can tell he's upset with me because I'm doing what I always do and he should know it. He's talking to me and I'm wandering all over, away from him. And it's not fair to anyone, of course, not to him and not to me. I'm not good at being commited, and not because there's other people but because there's me.

You know that kind of art that just trancsends? Like a movie or song that hits you heart so squarely, a painting that makes you cry, a book that you can't put down... That feeling you get in your heart when something just connects? I live for that. I want to be be inspired, I want to create beautiful things and I want to see beautiful things all around me. Melisa told me that she thinks when we create something beautiful it's how we connect with God, because he created everything that's beautiful. It blew my mind, and I've been turning it over ever since. But that is the basis of who I am, the most defining trait of my personality. I feel like that will carry me far and wide.

I love love, of course. Love is the most powerful force in the world and the pursuit of it drives so much of life. And I'm familiar enough with love and with falling into it to know when I'm not. And I know enough of lust and comfort and company to know them when I see them. Life would be much more simple if I could be a shallow person, but this is who I am. And I need to be free, for most of the time anyway.

two things

1) There is a lot of snow outside and more on the way.
2) I'm working on a new script and I think it might end up being really great.

Christmas time is a cure-all, I swear.

I just want to make movies. That's all I want to do, lock myself up with a handful of similarly creative people and make beautiful, touching, expressive movies. But in the meantime the past week has been lovely. A lot of Christmas baking, Christmas cookies, Christmas love. This is my favorite time of year. After rehearsal on Saturday Justin and I went to a Christmas party in Redmond with our friend Javier-

The party was at this huge, beautiful home but was pretty lame (Dickens Carolers, sushi trays and free drinks notwithstanding) so we left around 10 and met up with some of our friends in Seattle for drinks and dancing.

It was snowing in the city, and so beautiful. I always miss living in Seattle when I'm there, it makes my heart hurt a bit whenever I come home. We caught the 2:00 ferry home, which put us about an hour from Justin's and about an hour and a half from mine and the snow was coming down pretty hard on our side of the Sound, so I stayed at Justin's. I woke up to this:

Justin made banana chocolate chip pancakes and we laid around for most of the morning, playing with his kitten, Madonna, and watching Love Actually, which is one of my favorite movies.

A really lovely weekend, and the next weeks hold more of the same, so the darkness is at bay for now. And it should stay that way for a bit because I'm going to Palm Springs for a week in January for another Golf Tournament, then my show opens and that gets me through March!

Love!

my favorite boy!

In case you wanted to know what the sky above me looked like tonight-

it was beautiful

Trying to work something out...

Amongst those who know and love me, my commitment-phobia is a joke akin to how I hate to have my neck touched. Both make me feel incredibly uneasy and suffocated, I get antsy and can't breathe or sleep or live properly. But I've been thinking about it lately (because I'm trying to be a little bit committed right now) and what it is... is I think that once I was with someone and he consumed me, he was all I could think about and always on my mind. I lost myself in him in the best way you can, where you're a better person for being a part of another human being and he is as well. So for a bit, and much more quickly than I had expected to, I was living my life with someone else and plans for the future, whether for next weekend or next year or the rest of our lives, those were all very clear and made sense. Of course I would be with him forever. And of course I was wrong, and in the end I made the right decision and broke myself off from what would most likely end up bringing more pain than happiness, and you can judge for yourself by what I write here how over it I am. But my whole point is that I was once so enamored with someone that he was everything to me, and I haven't met another person like that so far in my life (which I know is still so short, and I would prefer to limit the amount of men who impact my life like that anyway), and after you feel that way about someone it's hard to adjust back to just liking someone. To wanting to see them a couple times a week but not every day. To wake up from a dream about the wrong person and feel your heart missing the wrong person. Maybe it's not that I'm commitment phobic, maybe it's just that my heart is not entirely free of someone else and I can't quite shake him enough to just have fun with someone who is not even close to him.