Charity-- by Me

I really love taking photos.

K

Should I do this to my hair? I need hair guidance.

K

life of the party and she swears that she's artsy

Today I made a perfect brioche! I realize that I am overly excited about a loaf of bread, but it's absolutely perfect. When I lived in Seattle there was this great little French bakery about 3 blocks from my apartment that Darrin and I used to go to all the time, they had the most amazing chocolate almond brioche. Today I attempted only the basic brioche, and I had my doubts along the way, but it came out so beautifully! The crust is hard and sweet and golden-brown and the inside is light and springy and only slightly sweet. I think that only Darrin will get as excited as I am, but that's why he's my soul mate.

I shot a couple rolls of Char today. I'm excited to get them back. They're really great photos, very pretty of her (not that she could be anything else) and very artistic. I'm trying to get some sort of portfolio together so maybe I can book a couple jobs. And anyway, I love photography.

I've been listening to a lot of John Mayer's not so popular stuff lately. I think that anyone who wrote him off after hearing "Your Body is a Wonderland" should listen to Comfortable, Lenny/Man on the Side and all JMtrio songs. I've also been listening to Brandon Heath a lot. Despite the complete sham that Young Life is, Brandon Heath was one good thing to come out of it all. Early Stuff is a really great album.

I watched Waitress this weekend, it is one of the best movies I've seen in forever. It is completely quirky and funny and sad and hopeful and witty in all of the right places and ways. It is so tragic that Adrienne Shelly died, and especially in such a horrendous way. The movie is lovely though. I wish I was making movies right now.

Amor,
K

Every so often a girls is allowed to be pathetic

I spend the day in this home and it seems perfect. Husband and wife who are smart, attractive, love each other, buy all organic food, have a beautiful house and two even more beautiful children. I carry a baby girl around in my arms all day and when I come home I smell like the good smells of a baby. Driving home I listen to The Last 5 Years soundtrack "If I didn't believe in you I wouldn't be standing here now", then curled up on the couch with a bowl of cereal watching Sex & the City and Carrie is in love and Miranda has a baby... it gets to me! Not that I want any of it now, or soon even, but I do want it eventually.

I have this picture in my mind of how it would all be. He would be very, very smart and extremely literate. We would quote poetry together and read the same books. When I get confused and overwhelmed (which is often) he would stay calm and clear-headed and fix the situation. He would have to have some sort of artistic endeavor, career or hobby, so that we could understand each other. Most importantly he would have to vow to be best father he can be, and together we would adopt children who need parents and raise them to be wonderful human beings who are kind and compassionate and strong. And I would write and make movies and he would do whatever it is he's passionate about and we would live this happy, chaotic yet gentle life together. And of course it wouldn't be without sadness and pain and tribulation but in the end I am convinced that my life, for the most part, will be happy and fulfilling.

I can dream about these things as I sit here in my bedroom with the snow falling outside my window and my life unfolding in a way that I didn't expect... reclaiming my heart from broken dreams and the person who is the love of my thus far life (who I know will not be THE love of my life). I can dream about these things just like I dream about my writing, and my traveling, and the move to California that will take place a year from summer, and the herb garden I will plant this spring, and the photos I will shoot this weekend. Things I want so badly, and things that can happen, but I am no longer naive about dreams. I don't buy into that mentality that my work ethic can make these things happen. Obviously it helps, but I also need a little bit (or a lot) of Divine Intervention.

I swear that these feelings are out and will be tucked away for a good while now. I'm content, for now, with my youth and my freedom.

Bon Soir!
K

PS: I am aware that I switched tenses about twice a sentance... that is just how my mind works.

Something is happening to my voice! I have an audition in 2 weeks so I've been working on this song and I just can't sing it. Like, halfway through my voice just goes out. I'm afraid I damaged my vocal chords during I'll be Home for Christmas.

I've felt completely irritated and restless lately. Especially, and I know how shallow this sounds, in regards to my hair. I'm very vain about my hair. I was so proud of my long, blonde, wavy hair and then this fall for some insane reason I decided to cut it and dye it brown and I am so embarrassed to admit the effect it's had it on me. I'm stuck now between cutting it all off and going very blonde or letting it grow out and going dark, dark brown. My indecisiveness is the only reason I still look like I do. I'm aware of how awful this sounds, but I don't care... having great hair was always something I could count on.

To balance out how terrible that paragraph made me sound I feel like I need to talk about my intellectual pursuits. For Christmas I was given What is the What by Dave Eggers and Atonement by Ian McEwan. I'm part way through Atonement and while it is a wonderful book I can't agree with the back-cover claim that "no one now writing fiction in the English language surpasses Ian McEwan". Michael Ondaatje, Dave Eggers, Jonathan Safran Foer. Those men are brilliant in a way that makes me feel like it would be useless to write another world- nothing I write could come close to what they do. However, being as writing is really the only thing I can do I will try anyway. I don't set Resolutions, but I do have a goal of landing a literary agent within the year, which made me set another goal of finishing the current script I'm working on by Easter (I tend to divide my life by Holidays- it makes more sense to my mind).

I woke up this morning to snow and on account of the schools being closed and my lack of faith that my little bmw could safely get to me to Bainbridge I took the day off. I spent the entire day in my worn out "I Don't Do Mornings" shirt and sooo comfy AE sweats. I'm almost done with Atonement and, although above opinions still stand, I like it more and more. I also got through the pile of December/January magazines I haven't had a chance to read yet and finally cleaned my room.

Now I'm going to put on Hendrix and read Atonement in my warm bed (electric blankets are the best invention) until I fall asleep. Beunos Noches!

K

I heard she was asking questions
About the picture of us together at the home game
It ran in your local paper and you were smiling like she had never seen
You said “What do you mean?
I was thinking of you the whole time, I swear
You were the only girl on my mind”
So you had to tell her all the bad things about me

You told her I was younger
You told her I was rash
You told her I didn’t know what I wanted, ever.
Like that was something bad.
Yeah I heard what you said.
You forgot to mention the fact that I
Never wished for you to be in my life
And yes, that is a fact.