Every so often a girls is allowed to be pathetic

I spend the day in this home and it seems perfect. Husband and wife who are smart, attractive, love each other, buy all organic food, have a beautiful house and two even more beautiful children. I carry a baby girl around in my arms all day and when I come home I smell like the good smells of a baby. Driving home I listen to The Last 5 Years soundtrack "If I didn't believe in you I wouldn't be standing here now", then curled up on the couch with a bowl of cereal watching Sex & the City and Carrie is in love and Miranda has a baby... it gets to me! Not that I want any of it now, or soon even, but I do want it eventually.

I have this picture in my mind of how it would all be. He would be very, very smart and extremely literate. We would quote poetry together and read the same books. When I get confused and overwhelmed (which is often) he would stay calm and clear-headed and fix the situation. He would have to have some sort of artistic endeavor, career or hobby, so that we could understand each other. Most importantly he would have to vow to be best father he can be, and together we would adopt children who need parents and raise them to be wonderful human beings who are kind and compassionate and strong. And I would write and make movies and he would do whatever it is he's passionate about and we would live this happy, chaotic yet gentle life together. And of course it wouldn't be without sadness and pain and tribulation but in the end I am convinced that my life, for the most part, will be happy and fulfilling.

I can dream about these things as I sit here in my bedroom with the snow falling outside my window and my life unfolding in a way that I didn't expect... reclaiming my heart from broken dreams and the person who is the love of my thus far life (who I know will not be THE love of my life). I can dream about these things just like I dream about my writing, and my traveling, and the move to California that will take place a year from summer, and the herb garden I will plant this spring, and the photos I will shoot this weekend. Things I want so badly, and things that can happen, but I am no longer naive about dreams. I don't buy into that mentality that my work ethic can make these things happen. Obviously it helps, but I also need a little bit (or a lot) of Divine Intervention.

I swear that these feelings are out and will be tucked away for a good while now. I'm content, for now, with my youth and my freedom.

Bon Soir!
K

PS: I am aware that I switched tenses about twice a sentance... that is just how my mind works.