The truth is that I wanted to grow up to be someone else. I had better plans for myself than what these past few years have turned up. And now I feel like I can't even think to make any more plans, get my heart set on anything else, because I can't deal with another disappointment. Like I am so paralyzed by fear and a broken heart that I can't even take a step forward. Everything hurts now, every word has some connection to something I dreamed about that never materialized and it is too damn painful to let my thoughts go there. I've become so guarded with everything, I've strung all of these safety nets and put up all of these walls and I never thought I would be this girl. I thought I was stronger. And I keep looking for you in all of this. It's so strange, I know, but I have these hard days and it seems so unnatural for me not to be telling you all of this... my heart doesn't understand why you're not there for me and why you don't care that everything has been dark for me lately. And this isn't who I am. I'm orange and yellow and happy and I live and breathe in sunlight. And why don't you care? Because you should care. Someone should care that I am drowning and flailing and that I can't figure anything out. I feel like I can't be eloquent anymore. I wish I wasn't like this, that I didn't feel everything so deeply and live so manically. I just can't breathe lately and everything feels worse than it's ever been before.