to whom it may concern

How long are you allowed to keep on loving someone, years after you last really spoke? It is a tough way that I feel. I don't care anything about rumors (and oh I hear them. I hear them all the time) because nothing is true or everything is true. Someone told someone told someone who told me. I hate it. Or, try grieving by yourself, not really having anyone to talk about it all with, for two years. I can't believe it's been two years. Having this weird feeling you sort of had to add some validation to your grief. I could always tell him that I loved him, and he always answered when I called. I know that if he was still here... Anyway. It's not that I miss people in my life, I have no lack of people who I love more and who love me more, it's just the people who you love when you're 16,17,18... before all of that crap happens that jades and hardens you, that teenage love for your friends is intense and consuming and the memory of it hangs on for years.

Anyway, there are people who I pray for all of the time and I know that it wouldn't mean anything to them... but I do anyway. "God please don't let this person die today. Please protect him today." I hate drugs. And I hate that sense of the poor troubled depressed misunderstood artist. Every 20-something living in Kitsap feels troubled and depressed and misunderstood and it is not special or unique and it doesn't give you an excuse to turn to drugs. I would never tell someone how to live their life as it pertained to music or clothes or career or sexuality but chemical drugs are a vile, vile thing, which is a point I could never concede on. And maybe there is a consensus that because I've grown up in a stable household with good men and women all around me I don't know what it's like to be in the depths... I know what it is like to not understand how you are going to live through the next day. I've fallen asleep and not wanted to wake up. I’ve felt like my heart hurt so much and everything was so blurry there was no possible way I would ever be okay. My deficit is on the inside, but it is there none the less. I don't even know why I'm writing this here. I feel like I am not allowed to call someone and say that I love them and I hate to contribute to the sensationalism... I just want to leave some fingerprints somewhere that I love and respect certain people and I don't know how to act in this situation, but my heart feels very involved. Once I start loving people it is very hard for me to stop just because we all have new friends.

Like I said, I care nothing for rumors and I don't want to add to the sensationalism that these things turn into, I don't even know details, nor do I care to know them, I just want to put it out there that I care and that I've been caring for some time now, that I've been praying for you these past few years every time I talk to God. You and you and you. And every time I hear something it hurts my heart a little bit.

I meant for this blogspot to be light hearted, but chemical drugs are an evil and prevailing presence in my life right now and I felt this was a place I could address it.

Love,
K